Desperate Housewives
Fear No More

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Fear No More

Cut to Susan lying on couch, flushing her eyes clear with a monster bottle of eye-flushing fluid, croaking and acking in pain. Zana is apologizing, insisting that he's going to make it up to her. "Oh, how?" Susan yells. "You gonna gimme your corneas?" But Zana just wanted to talk to Julie! She hasn't been returning his phone calls! "Well, I'm here now," says Julie. "What do you want?" Well, he wants to, you know, talk, hang out, perhaps hide away in her bedroom -- is that so wrong? Julie thinks that maybe they should just cool it awhile, which Zana doesn't get at all. "Well, you just threw rocks in her mother's face," Susan suggests as a potential reason for some alone time. Zana looks mollified -- like, okay Julie's mom, point taken -- and he leaves, his head hung low and his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his forty-something-divorcé khakis. Without even pausing to make sure he's out of voice range, Julie gushingly thanks her mother: "I have been trying to find a way to break up with him for weeks -- you finally gave me an excuse!" MAVO: "Yes, Susan had failed many times as a mother. So she took her victories where she found them." Credits!

MAVO: "Spring comes every year to Wisteria Lane." Much like here on Earth. "It's the time when flowers start to bloom, when butterflies emerge from their cocoons, when bees begin to search for nectar." I snore at you Mary Alice. Honk-chew, honk-chew! "Spring is also the time when a young man's fancy," close-up on not-so-young George, sniffing bright pink orchid blooms that look not at all unlike human lady parts, "turns to...obsession." George walks up to Rex and Bree. "Oh my heavenly days, it's George!" she exclaims, every inch the kind of woman who says "oh my heavenly days," standing there in her buttercup yellow linen sheath, pearls, and crocheted flower jacket tied tight with a satin yellow-bow. She is also carrying a little yellow purse with a little yellow bow. Her outfit is so very, very yellow, I'm tempted to get up and build myself one of those pinhole viewers so that I might look directly at Bree without risk of blindness. But my pinhole viewer supplies are so far away, and my chair so very soft, so instead I just avert my eyes.

Bree, Rex, and George appear to be at some kind of Wisteria Lane Orchid Extravaganza ("Just Orchiding"? "Orchid at Heart"?). "So," George asks Rex with just a hint of odiousness, "how's your health?" "Not good," Rex says with barely harnessed irritation, "and my cardiologist is an idiot." "The doctor keeps upping his dosage," Bree explains, "and it's still not helping." Wait, isn't Rex a doctor? Why oh why can't he figure out that the reason his pills aren't working is that they're not actually his pills? So dumb. Anyway George has some extra tickets to an upcoming bonsai expo, and would they like to go? Bree looks thrilled, but Rex demurs: "A whole evening of Bonsai trees? Wouldn't it be easier to just...shoot me?" "Probably," George says, and then, three beats later, he laughs. Then Bree laughs. Then Rex laughs. Still laughing, Bree puts a hand on George's shoulder, and when she pulls away, he touches the spot where her hand had been, clearly dazzled, prompting Rex to eye him suspiciously. Bree suggests that just she and George go, sinc clearly Rex isn't interested in very small trees, but Rex makes up a terrible lie about how the have to go to some "thing." "I think what you're husband is trying to say," George spells out for Bree with worldly understanding, "is that he doesn't want you going out with me." Bree looks at Rex and asks him if he's still jealous, which he denies. Bree insists that even though she dated George back when she and Rex were separated, now they are "just friends." "Strictly platonic," George agrees. "But if you feel threatened..." Rex does not feel threatened! So it's decided: Bree and George are free to go platonically bonsai crazy together. She grabs George's elbow, then Rex's elbow, and the three of them walk together, off-to-see-the-Wizard style. As they walk, Bree informs George that Rex has purchased his very first orchid. "Make sure you study up," George says. "I hate people who own precious flowers and don't know how to take proper care of them." I wonder what he means by that? "You know what I hate?" Rex counters. "Weeds. They just pop up out of nowhere and you have to work so hard to get rid of them." Hm. There seems to be some kind of hidden meaning here, but I just...can' "I find with the right chemicals, you can get rid of almost anything." Dr. Rex? Are you listening? George uses chemicals to kill weeds! And by "weeds" he means Dr. Rexes. And by "chemicals" he means...chemicals.

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Desperate Housewives




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