Desperate Housewives
Fear No More

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Fear No More

"Boobs tender?" Saleslady asks Gaggy with conspiratorial, "us girls" voice. "Achy back?" Gaggy marvels at her insight, "Yeah! Has it been going around?" "Only for centuries...I went through it all when I was carrying my oldest. The truth is, you're never going to fit a child's safety seat in the back of that tiny Spyder anyway." As Saleslady tries to steer Gaggy toward a four-door Spyder, a flabbergasted Gaggy digs in her heels. "Wha...ah...way...ah" she sputters. "I'm sorry, you, you think I'm pregnant?" The Saleslady apologizes, saying she just assumed Gaggy was with child because she has all the symptoms. "Well you assumed wrong," Gabby hisses. "I'm on the PILL for god's sake." And the way Gaggy says "pill," it's like she's invoking something irrefutably impregnable, like "I can't be pregnant, I was born without a uterus" or "I don't do it with boys." Must I remind you, Gaggy, that it's absolutely possible to get pregnant on the pill. Not as likely as someone who, say, thinks wearing high heels is a form of contraception (a birth-control rumor that flew around my junior high), but still! Saleslady apologizes again, and Gaggy says, "Anyway I don't WANT a four-door, I want a sexy little convertible." Anyway, couldn't a family-way Gaggy afford a sports car and a sensible Saturn or whatever? "And I want to buy one. Right now!" She pokes her angry finger at the sexy little SPYDER where the HAZMAT team is cleaning up her hurl. Saleslady says she'll go start the paperwork. "But not this one," Gaggy says. "I vomited in this one." I'm sorry, but if you vomit, you buy it. But Saleslady agrees find her a "fresh one," looking very much like she's got a nice, loud "Bitch!" trying to tear its way out of her. Gaggy looks very self-satisfied for a moment, a full-grown Veruca Salt finally in possession of her golden goose, but as the scene winds to a close, a worried shadow flits across her face.

Cut to a close-up of a dead, dead bouquet of...flowers, which are sitting in the foyer of the Peterson office (lamest, most desktop-published logo EVER). In marches Lynette, wearing an ugly, ill-fitting safari jacket. (What is it with Lynette and dead flowers? Does she emit some sort of flower-death spray wherever she goes?) Lynette walks into Tom's office and lo! What is this? Tom in a head-to-head conference with mystery woman? Tom looks up and, with panic in his eyes, shouts out a startled "Lynette!" Lynette looks slightly confused, and also not so cute? More like tired and pale. And haggard. She tells Tom that she's just there to drop off the Halpern file he forgot at home. The woman turns around, and she is just beaming. "Oh my god, Lynette!" she says with apparently genuine happy-to-see-you-ness.

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Desperate Housewives

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