Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Mens InZana In Corpore Sano
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

So I wasn't around for the last time Zach showed up, when Carlos saw his wang, and maybe he already had the slicked-back hair and the limo champagne thing happening at that point, but I'm glad we only get a tiny shot of it tonight as we talk about and, perhaps, learn for the first time that Zach is now a massive cokehead whose many Noah millions have gone up his nose. And since he was already crazy and super-weird to start with, the drug thing hasn't exactly contributed value to his personality. Luckily, he is still adorable. That will help once he hits rock bottom and needs to find a new cul-de-sac of people to bother and act weird around.

Speaking of Paul Young, he is on the hunt for little Zana, because the gun that was used to shoot him the night of the riot -- and subsequently hidden in Bree's house for no good reason -- was the same gun that Mary Alice used to blow her own head off. I can't imagine what that would be like if the cops showed up with a gun that somebody used to shoot you, okay, already freaky, and then you saw the gun and you're like, "Right, that's the same weapon my wife used to shoot herself in the head after being blackmailed for murdering the mother of our son, from whom we stole him." Goosebumps, am I right?

So Paul goes to see Mike, who is looking very muscled today, and Mike tells him to fuck off and the usual Mike gruff stuff, and Paul's like, "Listen, our son is in trouble. His mansion is in foreclosure, he's shooting people with his mom's suicide gun..." Mike pretends he doesn't know where Zach is (somewhere in Idaho) but of course he does (somewhere in Fairview, duh). And so Paul runs off to be weird somewhere else but not talk to Beth, Beth whom we miss. (Also, this episode has zero Bob. Or Renee, unless you count this highly unlikely scenario later where Lee and Renee hang out with fucking Susan, in her squalor apartment, on purpose, as though they are friends.)

Mike calls Zach, but Zach is crashed out on the couch in a sad little split-level duplex you wouldn't even want Susan Delfino to have to live in, vertical blinds, the whole thing. But it's odd, because he's a cokehead and there's like five rails on the table beside him but instead of snorting them or acting very lively, he just kind of drools and refuses to answer the phone. Dana! The only upside of a speed addiction is that your place will be sparkling. You are doing this wrong.

"It doesn't matter where we're going, it doesn't matter how quickly we try to get there, it doesn't matter that we never look back. The past we left behind will still find a way to catch up to us." Pithy, no? Mary Alice Young, my friend, is dust in the wind. (Literally.)

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Desperate Housewives




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