Desperate Housewives

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Mens InZana In Corpore Sano

Racist Frank is all about sticking it to his three previous families by pretending that all is blissful with the Scavos. Because if ever you wanted a bunch of people on your Christmas cards, it's definitely them. He has given Lynette's horrible mom a bunch of jewelry from various ex- and dead wives, and now wants to take a family portrait. I think all these old people live in a home or something, because one of the wives also lives there -- and gives mom mighty stink-eyes throughout -- and they want to do the portrait at wherever it is they live. That part was a little confusing but possibly I wasn't just paying attention, because they are two of the grossest old people in history.

Lynette is not interested in schlepping her brood all over town just so that this guy can pretend he has a fourth family, but of course mom is like, "You signed on for my prostitution scheme where his dicky ticker means I get millions of dollars, remember?" Which is one of the dumbest parts of this whole episode, because there was that whole thing at the church where the mom was like, "I'm only pretending to prostitute myself to this awful old codger, because in fact I do care for him." But no, we're back to square one where she's just being mercenary and gross and he's rewriting his will and it goes into effect at the most inconvenient possible time and the usual stuff with this kind of story.

Frank offers Lynette cold hard cash to get this done for him, because that's the actual point of this story: Money changes people and changes relationships and Frank is used to throwing money at problems and making people, such as Lynette's mom, pretend to love him. So Lynette resists, of course, due to her come-and-go moral stances, but eventually gives in because of same.

Gabrielle is at her therapist's office telling a story about having sex with Mick Jagger and whatever, and at some point interrupts herself to ask for a glass of wine. "A few glasses, and you'd have your patients whining about how daddy didn't love 'em in half the time!" Which is funny, and also a little true, but don't say that kind of thing to a therapist unless you want them to ask questions. Gabs admits that her mom remarried after her dad died, which is the danger zone and the therapist can obviously tell, so then Gabi turns into a human cyclone of Mick Jagger sex stories and craziness, running around the room like Zach on a coke bender, like Lynette on Adderall, and so of course the therapist is like, "I see we have things to discuss."

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Desperate Housewives

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