Desperate Housewives

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Mens InZana In Corpore Sano

"Well, that's the thing about me: There is no 'deeper.' Ask any of my friends. I'm the shallowest person they know! I'm just skin, a little blood, and stories about Keith Richards drinking out of my shoes!" Doc's not buying it, and she's like, "Don't be scared, this is how therapy works." Gabi stares for a second and then bounces, and even though it's totally obvious what's going on, it's also really rough because you see the entire story of this season reforming itself around the whole idea of her abuse: The lost daughter, the inner child, the myth of Princess Valerie, her inability to protect children or truly love them. It's sort of epic and really kind of impressive, and of course Gabrielle is about this close to leaving the state altogether under an assumed name rather than talk about it, which is how you know it's working.

Gabrielle comes home giddy as a kite about how great therapy is -- "It's like a talk show, where I'm the guest and the only topic is me!" -- which, talk to Susan because that's every day of her life. Also, it is clear that she has no intention of going back to therapy and definitely has some selfish nutty plan about how to use fake therapy to luxuriate in the mess of her mental chaos somehow. Carlos asks if she got to talking about the doll and how psycho she's been acting and how she nearly got them killed last time by the carjackers, and she's all, "That is confidential! First rule of therapy. Actually, first rule of therapy is no wine, But I'm gonna change that."

Which is an awesome line, delivered awesomely, but first let's get logistics out of the way: If Carlos is forcing her to go to therapy, she's going to go three times a week, and those three days a week are going to wreck his life. Mondays he has to do carpool, Thursdays Juanita has ballet (imagine!) so he has to cancel his work-related golf games, and then this particular Friday Gabi's got a gyno appointment. He throws up his hands about the idea of doing that on her behalf, and she laughs and just says he needs to reschedule it for her, and then adorably over her shoulder: "Wouldn't that be great, though?" Which for this show is practically a feminist statement, despite the fact that none of that made any sense at all.

Bree meets Amber and Charlie at the "restaurant" across from the "bank" -- it's a pizza joint, note -- and Charlie's being obstinate, and so Amber's like, "While I cash this cashier's check you had no reason to give me at all, could you also babysit Charlie for no reason at all?" Bree -- whose former parental Greatest Hits include Sociopathic Andrew and Trashbox Danielle -- stares at her new charge and he stares right back at her and he's like, "I am going to go play video games because you are clearly the worst," and she pretends like that's a bad thing she doesn't have to deal with Charlie.

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Desperate Housewives

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