Turns out that Mike went to see old Zach a while back and he was clearly on drugs and clearly people had taken much advantage of him and now he was poor. Mike admitted that he and Susan were having Alaska-type problems and had to rent out their house, because have you heard, but kind of skirts the issue of how he's only there to get money out of his millionaire biological son. Of course, once Zach heard who was renting the house, he went ballistic because he -- just like everybody else on this show -- hates Paul Young to an irrational degree, and so he threw Mike out the house to do a bunch of drugs and get a plan together to murder Paul Young.
And only because Paul Young literally came to him and said, "Our son shot me with his mother's suicide gun" did Mike put this together, because no matter how many muscles he has, he's still the sort of person that would marry Susan Delfino and thus cannot be trusted to figure shit out. Maybe next Zach will attack him with the knife Mary Alice used to kill Deirdre, and he can fight back with the toaster Paul used to kill Martha, and then they can go after Susan with the measuring cup she used to burn down Edie's house, and this whole show can disappear up its own rectum once again. I'm just glad we're focusing only on episodes of this show I've actually seen, I mean, what better time to start writing about this show than in Season Seven, where we pretend that Torchwood and Katherine and Adriana and Rita Dexter and the Applewhites and Orson's stabby exes and Rex's hot-ass son -- all the things I'm not totally clear on -- never existed.
Tom's staring at the dead body on the couch, which is literally draped in a sheet like these people weren't already the ghoulishest, and then Lynette comes up behind him moaning Tommm and he screams and jumps and it's funny, and they talk about how JR had nine kids and 14 grandchildren, and everybody hated him because he was truly an awful person and bought his families at a discount with his Ewing millions, and Tom gets all deep about how "the tricky thing about money" is that it changes people and relationships. (Which is not actually true, unless you're awful to start with, which this show assumes everybody is.) Lynette gets all existential for a second about how you can't take it with you, and then does a corpse puppet show to creep out her husband, because even the best people on this show are still the worst people comparatively.
Carlos figures out like immediately that Gabrielle has traded the talking cure for other kinds of therapy -- massage, aroma -- and so he goes on down to the spa and puts his blind-masseur training into effect for a second, just enough to hurt his wife physically, before additionally spanking her for being naughty, and it's so gross. Gabi says that the spa treatments are just as therapeutic, blah blah, but he says her crazy is not the usual kind of crazy and that there is something going on inside her that is no good, and then orders her out into the car, and does the whole alpha male thing he always does, and she acts like a creepy little girl some more, and ugh.