Lynette officially has Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which means she's in for a round of chemo and some hefty medical bills. Her estranged mother arrives at the house (Lynette's sister tipped her off), offering money and three months of in-home care while Lynette fights the good fight. Lynette -- who, it turns out, has many, many issues stemming from her mother's history of drinking, philandering, and beating her children -- tries to give her mother the heave-ho. The mother feels that forgiveness is in order, especially since she and Lynette now have some flaws in common (and thank you, Kayla, for tipping her off about Tootie), except that Lynette never actually sexed or even kissed Rick, and also Lynette isn't a drunk, and she doesn't beat her kids. But other than that, she and her mother are total twinsies. In sum: look for more Mother in Season 4.
Bree's back from her honeymoon and she's totally knocked up. Oh no she isn't! Actually, she really, truly isn't -- she's just wearing a faux bump so when Danielle's baby arrives, everyone will think it issued forth from Bree's tender loins. Meanwhile, Danielle is cloistered away in some nunnery, festooned with a bona fide bump, all because the Van de Hodges are trapped in some kind of 1950s nightmare in which lies and prop padding are somehow deemed less potentially embarrassing than simple teenage pregnancy.
Mike starts working nights so he can pay for the big wedding Susan's planning, and Susan is so moved by his efforts that she takes the pressure off with a super-secret surprise low-budget wedding. Only Julie and the minister are there, along with lots of cute lanterns and gross amounts of smiling and kissing, and the Awww Factor goes all the way up to eleventy.
Gabby hears that Mayor McBusive is contemplating running for Governor, which she forbids on the grounds that campaigning is boring. The Mayor says something shitty about how he's not going to let some idiot woman stand in his way, and Gabby calls off the wedding. But then the Mayor concentrates all his slickery politician science on winning Gabby back by making it seem like he's given up his delusions of Governorship, and the wedding moves forward without a hitch. But then! After the ceremony, Gabby overhears the Mayor talking to his dad (BJ Hunnicut from M*A*S*H!) about how Gabby was such a great choice for a wife because she'll for sure bring in the Latino vote when he runs for Governor. And Gabby is so shocked and so disillusioned and so...Gabby, she races off to kiss and presumably sex up Carlos.
And the reason Carlos is so receptive to Gabby's advances? Versus, say, trying to impregnate Edie? Earlier in the day, he discovers Edie's birth control pills and unceremoniously dumps her right in the middle of Gabby's wedding. He careens off to get drunk (and then subsequently get with Gabby), and Edie goes home to hang herself.
That's right, you heard me. Edie hangs herself. I know!
Previously on Desperate Housewives: Lynette probably has cancer, Susan and Mike are engaged, Victor always gets what he wants, and once there was this character named Bree.
Okay, so the season finale begins at the Mayor McBusive manse, which is ridiculously done up for the big wedding. Not invited but still omnipresent is Mary Alice, always at the ready with her plucky VO. "When Gabrielle Solis agreed to marry Victor Lang," MA sing-a-lings, "she was determined to have a very...[inexplicable ironic pause]...traditional wedding." A cast of thousands is busy setting up chairs, primping flowers, and generally flitting around like a pod of Disneylandian anthropomorph-mice and birdies. There is also an insane elevated platform with a garland-draped gazebo, a fifty-foot red carpet running up the aisle, and pots and pots of flowers that seem totally different from the bouquets Susan picked out for her wedding, which Gabby was supposed to have stolen for this very occasion. Nothing, in fact, about this whole setup looks like something Susan would have planned, so I guess the whole "Wedding Thief" storyline was just an excuse for a few lesbian jokes? If so, I'll forgive it, since Gabby and Susan's booze-and-chocolate-fueled bond-a-thon did do a nice job of character-building Gabby's Mayoral doubts, which, as we'll soon see, are mega-germane.
Inside, Gabby is gazing at herself in the mirror, and she does look very gaze-worthy in her strapless gown and oiled décolletage. MA narrates that Gabby is going the "something borrowed, something blue" route, with a borrowed hankie tucked into her cleavage, a cornball blue garter (straight out of the Knott's Berry Farm gift shop) on her thigh, and her "old" diamond earrings. MA: "But sadly for Gabrielle, something was missing, and she was about to throw a traditional fit." Bree, it seems, is late with Gabby's "something new" gift of a Swiss bracelet. Lynette and Susan are there (both looking pretty in completely un-matching dresses, so I guess the ceremony isn't that traditional...unless they aren't her bridesmaids? Whatever!), swiffering Gabby with lint tape, tszujing her dress, and generally trying to prevent a Bridezilla meltdown -- not an easy task, seeing as this is apparently the hottest day of the year, and Gabby's already complaining about how all the guests are sweating every which way but loose. Gabby, fretfully: "It is ten after, and Bree is never late. Where could she be?"