Previously on Desperate Housewives: Lynette probably has cancer, Susan and Mike are engaged, Victor always gets what he wants, and once there was this character named Bree.
Okay, so the season finale begins at the Mayor McBusive manse, which is ridiculously done up for the big wedding. Not invited but still omnipresent is Mary Alice, always at the ready with her plucky VO. "When Gabrielle Solis agreed to marry Victor Lang," MA sing-a-lings, "she was determined to have a very...[inexplicable ironic pause]...traditional wedding." A cast of thousands is busy setting up chairs, primping flowers, and generally flitting around like a pod of Disneylandian anthropomorph-mice and birdies. There is also an insane elevated platform with a garland-draped gazebo, a fifty-foot red carpet running up the aisle, and pots and pots of flowers that seem totally different from the bouquets Susan picked out for her wedding, which Gabby was supposed to have stolen for this very occasion. Nothing, in fact, about this whole setup looks like something Susan would have planned, so I guess the whole "Wedding Thief" storyline was just an excuse for a few lesbian jokes? If so, I'll forgive it, since Gabby and Susan's booze-and-chocolate-fueled bond-a-thon did do a nice job of character-building Gabby's Mayoral doubts, which, as we'll soon see, are mega-germane.
Inside, Gabby is gazing at herself in the mirror, and she does look very gaze-worthy in her strapless gown and oiled décolletage. MA narrates that Gabby is going the "something borrowed, something blue" route, with a borrowed hankie tucked into her cleavage, a cornball blue garter (straight out of the Knott's Berry Farm gift shop) on her thigh, and her "old" diamond earrings. MA: "But sadly for Gabrielle, something was missing, and she was about to throw a traditional fit." Bree, it seems, is late with Gabby's "something new" gift of a Swiss bracelet. Lynette and Susan are there (both looking pretty in completely un-matching dresses, so I guess the ceremony isn't that traditional...unless they aren't her bridesmaids? Whatever!), swiffering Gabby with lint tape, tszujing her dress, and generally trying to prevent a Bridezilla meltdown -- not an easy task, seeing as this is apparently the hottest day of the year, and Gabby's already complaining about how all the guests are sweating every which way but loose. Gabby, fretfully: "It is ten after, and Bree is never late. Where could she be?"