Desperate Housewives
Getting Married Today

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Suicide Is Painless

And keep that inquiring mind stretched and at the ready, because here comes another scene that makes zero sense: Bree and Orson's cab pulls up in front of their house, and Andrew comes bounding out to help with the luggage. And, as though she's been perched at her window for the last three months, just waiting for this moment to arrive, Julie comes racing over to ask where Danielle is. Bree starts dropping clunker lies about how Danielle fell in love with a Swiss boarding school while they were all off traipsing around in the Alps. So that's where Danielle is now: the Alps! At her beloved new Swiss chalet boarding school! Julie looks puzzled: then why hasn't Danielle been answering her cell phone? Andrew lies that the Alps has super-bad reception. And why hasn't Danielle been answering Julie's emails? Bree lies that Danielle's lack of an answer can only be blamed on her extreme rudeness, which Bree is going to take her to task about when she phones her daughter tonight. And now for some unasked Qs: How is Bree going to call Danielle if her cell phone doesn't work in the Alps? And if she's available via landline, why can't Julie call her on that number? And why is Julie even trying to talk to Danielle, seeing as they're complete enemies ever since Danielle slept with Julie's boyfriend? And who here doesn't know by now that Bree's pregnancy is totally fake and Danielle's actually the one who's having the baby?

And now for the big "You Mayor Kiss the Bride" scene. You'd think that Gabby and Mayor McBusive would be the focus here, but it's nothing but the Edie-and-Carlos show. While Gabby and the Mayor exchange their vows, Edie slips a waiter her twenty (so that's what the case was for!) along with instructions to keep the liquor flowing her way. Carlos walks up and busts her mid-boozy-sip. She tries to hide the glass, but he no longer has any reason to care about the hypothetical health of the hypothetical baby; he just shows Edie her birth control pills and tells her it's over. Edie does a valiant job of trying to convince him that she did it all for the glory of (their) love, but he's well beyond caring. He walks away, grabbing a bottle of champagne on his way out (smart!), and Edie just stands there, her face a tight fist of pain and salty regrets, with half the wedding guests turned to watch the carnage. Hip-hip, Nicolette Sheridan!

Mrs. McCluskey, looking sweetly girlish (and also insane) with a bunch of fresh pink roses on top of her head, comes up to Gabby after the ceremony and asks her if she knows what the deal was with Carlos and Edie. Gabby: "I don't know, and I don't care. Today, I am so full of love, I can forgive anyone anything." Mrs. McC smiles at her, mildly confused by the new, free-love Gabby. But then Gabby sets the world right again by leaning in and muttering: "But if you do see them again? Call security."

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Desperate Housewives

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