Desperate Housewives
Getting Married Today

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Suicide Is Painless

But yeah, this is the dumbest plotline ever. In this day and age, the potential embarrassment of being discovered faking a pregnancy (which is going to happen the first time anyone tries to touch her bump, and from what I hear from my pregnancy-experienced friends, that happens like twenty times a day) is so much worse than the mild mortification of having a pregnant teenaged daughter! Ugh.

Poor Mike gets another midnight call about a plumbing problem, and he groggily sets off to go take care of it. The second he's gone, Susan springs into action and rushes into Julie's room. Julie is dressed and just hanging up the phone, and she does a fake southern accent that makes it clear that she was the lady who just sent Mike on a wild plumbing chase. Cut to...

...Mike's truck, rolling down a deserted forest road, when out springs the reverend, holding a dry-cleaned suit for Mike to change into. Cut to...

...Mike, looking dashing in his suit, and also a little annoyed. "Mind telling me," he asks the reverend, "what Susan's up to?" And the reverend says, "Ask her yourself!" They arrive at a clearing that's been magically, Disneylandianly transformed into this secret romantic garden with lots of candles and paper lanterns and a beautiful, rough-hewn sort of gazebo thing. Mike, who clearly was steeling himself for one of Susan's horrible disasters, smiles a great little smile that makes my heart go pitty-pat. Aw! Susan looks really pretty, and sort of impossibly busty, and Julie is there, also looking nice. Everyone giggles, and it's really a great little moment. Mike: "Who knew downsizing could be so romantic?" Indeed!

And I won't even let the fact that there aren't enough witnesses (don't you need two?) or that they don't have an actual marriage license distract me from the aw. Nor will I bother with the fact that there was no earthly way to set this all up in time, given that Gabby's reception just ended. How did they possibly buy all the lighting and build everything in the-- okay, I'll stop. It's very cute and romantic and I love it. And huge ups to Marc Cherry for not killing off Mike -- I know the temptation to give in to the irony of killing of Mike during the sleep-deprived drive to the site of a fake plumbing emergency was probably huge. But thank the Cherry that Susan and Mike got the happy ending instead, because we really needed at least one upbeat couple in this depression-logged finale. And yet...I'm a little worried about what you're going to do with this happy couple come next season. I fear it's just going to become an endless string of rehashed I Love Lucy plotlines, and I don't know how much "Susan, I'm home!" I can stand. Though maybe Mike and Susan could start solving crimes together? That could be a fierce kind of awesome! I mean, "off the hook."

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Desperate Housewives

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