Desperate Housewives
Getting Married Today

Episode Report Card
Evany: B | Grade It Now!
Suicide Is Painless

Cut to some "clearly she's pregnant, otherwise why show nothing but her shoes and the back of her head?" shots of Bree strutting through the hustle and bustle of the wedding prep. Inside, Gabby kicks one of her presents and huffs that her wedding's "already ruined." Bree makes her big entrance, and we get a long, lingering reaction shot of the Ladies' shocked faces (Gabby: "Holy crap!"). Tight shot on Bree's head, which is looking stunning and glow-y with her hair all loose and tousled, as she cheerfully gives them a big hello. MA: "As promised, Bree had arrived with something new." We get a body shot that reveals Bree's full-on bump. MA, continued: "And she also brought the bracelet!" Um, exactly how long were they honeymooning in the Alps? According to the bumpometer, I'd say it was about six months...which seems like an insane amount of time. Doesn't Orson have a dental practice that needs running? But I'll say one thing for this unlikely plotline: it gives Marcia Cross a little more time to shed her pregnancy weight at a sane rate. It doesn't explain why she arrived ten minutes late, though -- as Gabby said, Bree would never, ever be late to anything. I could see that she maybe wanted to make an entrance, but the Bree I know would have found some other way to make an impact, one that didn't risk tardiness.

And roll just the abbreviated credits (oh, it's going to be a long night).

Three Days Earlier. Over a montage of the Ladies' family photos (including an egregiously Photoshopped pic of the Van de Hodge family), MA tells us that "there's nothing more important" than family. Good times, bad times...they're always totally there, etc. The final framed photo of the montage is of Edie standing awkwardly with an older woman, and the camera pans off the picture and its perch on the bedside table over to Edie and Carlos, who are writhing about in a sexual manner on the bed. MA: "And even though the time comes when they have to leave us, their voices still linger in our minds, and sometimes we can't help but listen." The camera keeps on panning to reveal that the same older woman from the picture is sitting next to the bed, watching the proceedings and knitting. Edie and her cute Swiss polka-dot bra try to ignore her, but Mother just won't stop tsking about how there's no way that Edie's Pill-blocked baby-making plan is will ever ensnare Carlos. Edie: "You died alone in a trailer park, watching game shows. Why should I listen to you?" Trailer mom, leaning in close to breathe the hot, fetid air of prophecy right into Edie's Classic Slut ears: "This one's going to leave you like all the others. You're going to end up old and alone, just like I did." Edie sits up in a panic, and both Carlos and Trailer Mom are gone. It was all a dream.

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Desperate Housewives




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