Desperate Housewives
Getting Married Today

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Suicide Is Painless

Meanwhile, Stella is right outside the door, listening to all Tom and Lynette's bickering and looking...mad? Conniving? But certainly not contrite. Lynette: "Great, so in the middle of everything I'm dealing with, you're going to throw Rick in my face?" Outside the door, Stella hears the word "Rick," and her face rearranges itself into an opportunistic "hmmm." Oh ick. Lynette spells out what it is, exactly, that Tom's doing here in this scene: the price of him forgiving her for the whole Tootie non-affair is that she has to forgive her mother, the woman who used to beat her. Thanks, Tom! This whole situation is so depressing and wrong. Tom is a monster and Stella is up to no good, and Lynette has to deal with both of them while she's sick with cancer? She's done a lot of maddening things in her day, but I don't think she deserves this. But, more importantly, what oh what did I do to deserve having to watch the whole mess unfold?

And if you were thinking of getting up to wash the bad taste of that scene out of your mouth, eyes, and brain, don't go just yet -- we've got some more unpleasantness warmed up on deck! So Mayor McBusive is lying in bed, sorting through some papers, when Gabby pays him a surprise visit; it's the eve of their wedding, so they're supposedly sleeping apart tonight. She's wearing a cute turquoise raincoat, which she tears open to reveal a shortie orange-and-pink nightgown (cute, but it was much hotter when Bree did it). Gabby pouts and baby-talks that she's "horny," which is one of my all-time least favorite words, right up there with "poop" and "panties." (You may be tempted to use them in a sentence -- and wow, what a sentence that would be -- but you wouldn't be able to enjoy the triumph of it for very long, as you'd soon find yourself choking on my knuckle sandwich, served with extra-spicy mustard and a big glass of Hawaiian Punch.) So Gabby hops onto the bed and picks up one of the papers that the Mayor's been looking over and notes that it's "polling data," which, see, I don't buy -- if she were really as "---ny" as she claimed to be, she would have just swept all that stuff onto the ground all in a heated rush. But then we wouldn't have the following ugly scene where she accuses him of going forward with his bid for governor, and things quickly descend into a screaming match. Gabby: "I already married a man who put his career before me, and I swore I wasn't going to do it again." Mayor: "Well, I swore that I wouldn't let a stupid woman hold me back." He immediately regrets it, and tries to pretend that it's just all the "pressure" talking. Gabby: "Well here's one less thing you have to worry about: our wedding." And before you get going with the "you go, girl"ing, don't bother...because you only get the length of one commercial break to celebrate.

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Desperate Housewives

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