Desperate Housewives
Getting Married Today

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Suicide Is Painless

Great news: Christina Applegate is in a new "comedy" about amnesia, "and that's a problem" as the saucy announcer tells us, "because she can't remember the name of the show!" Yeah, it's called Sam I Am, and I can already see the headlines now: "Audiences Forget To Tune In To Sam I Am!" and "So Funny, I Forgot To Laugh!"

What's the old saying? "So-and-so's so [word that means in the mood for sexual congress], the crack of dawn better watch its ass?" Well B.J. McBusive shows up at Gabby's door even earlier than that to spin her a web of lies about how A) he's there without the Mayor's knowledge; B) the Mayor was only considering running for Governor as a way to win the approval of withholding Father B.J.; and C) Father B.J. is here to tell Gabby that last night, Mayor McBusive told B.J. to shove all his millions of family dollars and also the race for gubernatorial glory. Gabby softens at the news that the Mayor "blew off eighty million" for her, and when the Mayor arrives five seconds later (B.J. to Gabby: "Is there a back way out of here?"), she relents and gives her back-on-again fiancé a big conciliatory hug right out on the front porch. B.J., who watches the whole scene unfold from the comfort of his gigantic stretch limo, which the Mayor magically fails to spot, smiles a revolting crocodile smile. Did you know that B. and J. don't stand for anything? B.J. is his full name, in honor of his mother, Bea Hunnicutt, and his father, Jay Hunnicutt. It's a M*A*S*H fact!

And now for another fantastically painful scene -- actually, they pretty much all hurt from here on in. So Edie is running late for Gabby's wedding, and we see her grabbing some cash out of her wallet just as she's heading out the door. Do you mean to tell me there isn't an open bar at Gabby's wedding? That is very hard to believe. Edie opens the door, and whoops: Paperboy Danny is standing right outside, here to pick up his monthly payment. Edie yells for Carlos to pay the lad and scuttles off to the ceremony. You can see where this is going, right? And yet, sigh, still we must live through it. Carlos doesn't have any cash, so he goes into Edie's purse, which she conveniently left right there on the counter, and but of course he finds the birth control pills. Why wouldn't the otherwise always crafty Edie see this potentiality coming a mile away and just pay the kid with the money she has right there in her hand? More importantly, why would she choose such a terrible hiding place for something so vastly incriminating? Most puzzling of all, why is Edie wearing white to a wedding? The Edie I know would be wearing red.

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Desperate Housewives

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