The law may have let Mrs. McCluskey off the hook (after fining her for nothing more than the improper disposal of a body), but the whispering Wisterians aren't ready to move on yet, and gossip reaches a fevered pitch. Loyalty-free Lynette hires a new babysitter, and Parker, who misses Mrs. McC, convinces her to come clean with her story. And it's basically as we all suspected: she was keeping her husband on ice so that she could continue getting his pension checks, which otherwise would have gone to Gilbert's long-long-ago-ex wife. (He somehow failed to find the time in the 30+ years he was married to Mrs. McC to alter his pension paperwork in her favor.) Lynette has been coming home later and later from the Scavoria and spending more and more time with Tootie after hours, sampling his raviolis and so on. Kayla puts two and two together and devilishly passes her observations along to Tom. Tom tests Kayla's theory by announcing that he's coming back to work at the restaurant, and hey, good news: now they can let Tootie go! When Lynette does some serious tapdancing about the necessity of keeping Tootie on staff, Tom does some serious staring off into the mid-distance with a knowing, flinty glitter in his eye. Edie tells Gabby about her Carlos fling, somehow thinking that Gabby will be thrilled by the news simply because she herself has found love elsewhere. And yet...no. Gabby, not satisfied with simply hating Edie on her own, forces Lynette and Susan to give Edie the cold shoulder in solidarity. Edie strikes back by having Lynette cater Travers's birthday party, and having Susan come to sign a bunch of her books for the kids. When Gabby oh-so-inevitably catches Lynette and Susan at the party (after they first try hinding out in the party entertainer's snake-and-spider van, with creepy-crawly results), she pitches a big festivities-derailing fit. Carlos -- not wanting Travers's party to be ruined -- bodily removes Gabby from the premises. They have a little heart-to-heart (Carlos's being big, soft, and squishy and Gabby's black and hardened), and it comes out that Carlos doesn't see himself getting serious about Edie. Gabby's anger instantly evaporates, so pleased is she to learn that Carlos still safely belongs to her, even though she's totally moved on. Poor Carlos! Susan is still steaming mad at low-down dirty poker-playing dogs Ian and Mike. When she takes out her mad on some random guy over a parking spot, the police get involved, and Susan's instructed by the court to get some anger-management therapy. The puffy feather-haired therapist works her brain magic, and within one session, Susan realizes that she wants to be with Ian. Ian is ecstatic. Mike is slightly less so, and he leaves a sad, sad message on Susan's machine telling her so. When Ian catches Susan listening to the message not once, but twice, he realizes that she'll always be a little in love with Mike, and that Ian deserves more than that. So he up and moves to England. Just like that! Meanwhile, it appears that Mike has also packed up his broken ticker and hit the road. Destination? Unknown!
Previously on Desperate Housewives: oh, you remember all the stuff that didn't happen last week, right?
Okay then. MAVO starts by dropping us into the middle of Gabby's big engagement fete down at the Scavoria, and we see that Gabby has somehow managed to cut her hand. Then, in a temporal inverted backward flip, MAVO goes back in time (crazy, I know) to show us the events that led up to the injury, by way of a Mutual-Of-Omaha-style montage of all the almost-could-have-been-injurious moments in her day: Gabby just misses getting her paw slammed in a limo door, Gabby barely avoids having her fingers trod upon while she's picking up her napkin, a waiter drops a gigantor steak knife and it thunks into the table one red hair's breadth away from Gabby's wrist (red hairs being the urban-legendarily scantest of all, at least according to certain gutter-minded thinking). This trail of non-events leads us, finally, to What Really Happened. "Gabrielle's injury," MAVO tells us, "came about in a more [patented Mary Alice irony-rich pause] unexpected fashion." And here it is: Edie finally tells Gabby that she and Carlos are dating, and Gabby responds to the news by squeezing her wine glass so tightly that it shatters and slices her hand. Wah-wah. Was anyone in any way, shape, or form surprised by that reaction? We all knew that chances were fair-to-guaranteed that Gabby was going to slip a cog when she found out about Carlos and Edie, so I'm not exactly sure what MAVO is talking about when she deems this the most "unexpected" explanation for Gabby's wound -- personally, I think the steak knife falling from the sky and plunging into her wrist would have come out of much deeper in left field. (And, in a collective sigh coming from the entire recap-reading audience: "You know what would have been even more unexpected, and delightfully so? If Evany had just let the MAVO intro lie, un-nitpicked to death, for just once...for the love that is all that is holy?")
In short: Gabby pretends to be so totally blissed out over her looming nups that she's unfazed by the news of Carlos pairing up with Sloppy-Seconds Britt (first Susan's ex Karl, then Susan's ex Mike, and now Carlos?), but secretly she is totally hot and bothered, and in an "around the collar" sort of way as opposed to the bathing-suit-area kind. As MAVO puts it, "Gabrielle had been cut much, much deeper than anyone could see."
Oh and lest I forget: this party scene also features a welcome reference to Bree, who managed to send Gabby a celebratory basket of moist muffins despite being thousands of miles of way at "the top of a Swiss Alp." It's an inane story, and it feels ultra-tacked on, but I'm glad for the mention: it was getting kind of eerie, not having even a whisper of Bree lo these multiple episodes. And to celebrate this welcome moment of our lives, here's a topical joke for you to share with you coworkers and parole officers. Ready? Okay: Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man it's hot in here." The other muffin goes "Oh my god, a talking muffin!" You like that? Because apparently, this little joke is also the inspiration for a T-shirt. And an awesomely heated debate.