Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jessica: C | Grade It Now!

Casa D-I-V-O-R-C-E. We appear to be picking up the story about three hours after we last left off. KimberBree is reading the Bible, while MAVO blathers on and on about guilt. Apparently, KimberBree always felt guilty about something: not getting straight As, letting her boyfriend get to second base, being tardy about her thank-you notes. But that's small fry compared to concealing Andrew's hit and run. How the heck are they going to handle that? A good question, clever viewer. A good question indeed. The answer is: poorly. Danielle suggests that they go to the police and explain that the whole thing was an accident. Rex doesn't think that will fly, since Andrew was (a) drunk and (b) fled the scene of the crime like a cowardly little girl. Andrew's bright idea involves hiding out in Canada until the statue of limitations runs out. Danielle snorts that KimberBree and Rex aren't going to foot the bill while he goes "moose-hunting for seven years." That reminds me! I have to be on the lookout for my traditional Canadian Christmas gift from Wing Chun: moose tenderloin, wrapped in Canadian bacon, delivered by a Mountie wearing a hockey jersey, drinking maple syrup. ["Yes, I spoke to Gordon this week and he can't wait to see you again." -- Wing Chun] Rex points out that if Mama Solis dies, there is no statue of limitations. "Right, because then it's MURDER," Danielle yells. "Shut up!" Andrew yells back. "You shut up!" she retorts. I am going to kill someone myself in about five minutes if they don't shut it.

Andrew insists that it really was all an accident. "We have to get rid of the car," KimberBree says, in a really icy Dr. Kimberly Shaw-type voice. You know, like she's plotting something. It might involve firearms. Everyone just stares at her. She says that they can't sell it: "The police might find it, and there could be DNA." She suggests, instead, that they take it to a "bad part of town," leave it unlocked with the keys in the ignition, and then report it stolen. That way, if the police don't find it, the Van de Kamps get the insurance money, and if the cops do find it, it wasn't in their possession at the time of the accident. "Anyone could have hit Mrs. Solis," she finishes. Sigh. What I am about to say seriously hurts me way way more than it hurts you: KimberBree, that's pretty stupid. It seems smart on the outside and all, but any policeman with a brain would probably put two and two together and bust your ass. First of all, why would Andrew be in Cracktown? Okay, let's just say he was buying drugs. But what is the likelihood that someone would steal his car and then drive all the way out to the neighborhood of the dude the car was stolen from and run down some old women and then drive off? Correct answer: totally fucking low. Even if it did happen that way, why did the Van De Kamps wait until several hours after the fact to report it stolen? How did Andrew get home? Etc. etc. I say, make Andrew drive the car off a bridge at a slow speed with the windows down. He can totally swim out, and the car can sink. The end. "That sounds good!" Andrew chirps, in response to his mother's plan. "[Kimber]Bree. Are you sure?" Rex asks. KimberBree retorts that she doesn't want Andrew to spend the rest of his life in the joint: "I won't allow that." She gets up and puts her Bible away. She tells them all to wash up: "We're having pancakes for breakfast." Pancakes do solve pretty much everything, I've found.

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Desperate Housewives




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