Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jessica: C | Grade It Now!

In a very obvious turn of events, Lynette mostly sleeps through the meeting, finding herself unable to teach children properly how to make knots. Call me crazy, but I suspect that accurate knot-making is not a skill that Pomegranate, Parcels, and Polemic ought to have in their bag of tricks. Lynette, wiped out from the herbs, finally trudges to her bathroom and takes some more Ritalin. Lynette! Just tough it out this afternoon and go to bed as soon as the kids do -- you're exhausted! You will sleep! GOD. I hate you and your stupid stupidity.

Casa Undercover. Susan signs for Mike's tile, and the tile guy leaves, and Susan immediately starts snooping. Susan's version of snooping is taking all the money and counting it on the living-room table after getting her fingerprints all over the gun by bringing it with her to the sofa for no reason whatsoever. Why does she have to know how much cash Mike has? Isn't "piles and piles of unmarked bills" suspicious enough for her? Susan hears a car in the driveway and looks up. The tile guy is back. Instead of just pretending that she's already left, or throwing the money under the sofa cushions, like a normal person, Susan panics. The tile guy calls that he forgot to give her a receipt, but instead of telling him to stick it in the mail slot, Susan sticks all the money in her shirt, takes the gun, runs up the stairs, and sticks all the evidence in the bathroom sink. That doesn't even make any sense at all. "Hey, madam, still here?" the tile guy calls. See? You could have just pretended that you left already, you dingbat. Instead, Susan climbs on top of the toilet and watches out the window until the tile guy leaves. Moron, if he looks up, he will SEE YOU. He can SEE YOU. The window is make of something we call GLASS and it is TRANSPARENT. God, Susan's dumb. Anyway, the tile guy drives away and Susan idiotically looks pleased with herself and then hops merrily to the floor. AND FALLS HALFWAY THROUGH IT. Christ on a cracker. I don't even know what to say anymore. Except that, in the course of eight short episodes, Susan has: locked herself out of the house naked, fallen into a wedding cake, been attacked by bees, run over her mailbox with her car, been mistaken for a whore while stranded in Cracktown, burned down a house, been blackmailed into buying meat, made people sick with her mac and cheese, almost killed a dog with her earring, ruined her own plumbing, and now almost fallen through a floor to her death.

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Desperate Housewives




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