Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jessica: C | Grade It Now!

When we get back from the ads, Susan is imploring Bongo to help her. After you nearly choked him to death with your jewelry? I'm so sure. Anyway, she screams some more for help and swims her legs around and then gives Bongo a towel and tries to talk him into pulling her out of the hole in the floor. Susan, if you have the upper-body strength to keep yourself from falling through the hole, I'll bet you have the strength to pull yourself out of the hole. Bongo is all, "Girl, please," and just drinks out of the toilet. "This is what you get for snooping," he tells her in between slurps.

Gabrielle pretends to be visiting someone at the house where Miguel is gardening, but she's really there to talk to him out of the side of her mouth and berate him for having a heart. How dare he show up at the hospital? "I had to see if she was okay," Miguel tells her. I am sort of in love with Miguel now. I saw a picture of him at some event recently, and he was working the scruff and, people, it was hot. Of the Lopez-Fitzgerald brothers, of which he was the youngest, on Passions, I far preferred Miguel's hot older brother, Luis, who is seriously the hottest man on daytime and who, I am not kidding, totally emotionally rocks all the scenes they make him do with the orangutan. Whereas I think Miguel could have done more with that time he found out he accidentally impregnated his best friend after she performed a magic spell so that she looked just like his girlfriend, or that time he got sucked into Hell. However, he's awfully cute here. Anyway, Gabrielle says they have to keep a low profile, and he reminds her that they're keeping no profile at all because he broke up with her already. He's sticking with Danielle, and Jesus. Gabrielle, not surprisingly, has a real problem with this. "I hate myself for what we did," he tells her. "I can't sleep at night." He's not sleeping with Gabrielle anymore. He means it this time! Gabrielle insists that it's not their fault: "You didn't do anything wrong." Miguel tells her that his priest doesn't agree: "I went to Confession." Gabrielle thinks Miguel's lost his mind. "What did you tell him?" she asks. Asking someone what they said in Confession is, by the way, a real etiquette no-no. "Everything," says Miguel. "Including in the alley, behind the truck stop?" asks Gabrielle. "Everything," he repeats. Gabrielle storms out. She is such a brat.

Casa Hole In the Floor. Susan is berating Bongo: "Lassie would have had a fire truck here by now. Stupid dog." Bongo takes off, and Susan praises him, thinking that her scolding worked, but I think that is merely the dog version of stomping out. He comes back soon enough, bringing her a dead bird. "There, bitch. That's for almost killing me with your fucking earring," he says. Susan looks disgusted.

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Desperate Housewives




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