Everyone is manipulating, guilt-tripping, accidentally physically abusing, or otherwise hurting everyone else this week.
First up, we have Bree, who meets Andrew's soon-to-be mother-in-law, Melina (played by Joanna Cassidy, so NOT maternal on Six Feet Under). It's hate at first site with these two, and unfortunately for their sons, they're both manipulative and sort of horrible. They fight over the holidays, and then they end up in a competition about whether the boys will live on Wisteria Lane or in Oakdale (five hours away, where beer can smashing Melina lives). Melina finds Alex a job as a doctor in Oakdale, but Bree one-ups her by buying them the Adams house down the street as an early wedding gift. Um, best wedding gift ever. Not that it makes up for Bree's insanity ... okay, it sort of does.
Then there's Gaby, who wants Carlos to get a job making six figures so she can buy shiny, pretty clothes and shiny, pretty shoes. She, in fact, finds him a job, accepts the offer, and then tells him about it. He's less than thrilled, since he'd like something that's, you know, fulfilling and meaningful. She thinks that's just crazy talk, and invites the guy who's offering the six-figure salary over for dinner. Turns out the guy's a big jerk, whose wife asks for a divorce during dinner. He tells them his business is successful because he lays people off and outsources. And Gaby still wants Carlos to take the job. She doesn't care if it's soul-sucking and will make Carlos into the horrible husband she used to cheat on, she wants money back. She disguises it as they've sacrificed so much for him while he was blind, and now he must do the same, but in this economy, it's laughable that someone in a house like theirs in a neighborhood like Wisteria would try to play the poor card.
Lynnette and Tom, meanwhile, are trying to find Porter so that they don't lose the restaurant. It's especially urgent after Penny outs Preston as Preston, not Porter, and Bob says he's legally obligated to tell or get disbarred. He gives them two days to find Porter. Lynnette's not having any luck until she steals Preston's phone, and Porter answers. He quickly hangs up, and Preston says he's not going to try to get Porter to come back, because Warren Schilling threatened to kill him, and his life is more important than a pizza restaurant. So she takes him to a dimly lit street and shows him a crusty bar that she says Warren frequents. She tells him to get out of the car so she can run Warren over when he leaves, to make sure Porter's safe. Preston tells her not to, that he gets it, and he'll ask Porter to come back. When he calls Porter, Lynnette gets on the phone, and we see Porter's with his grandma, Stella, who hangs up the phone and tells Porter not to trust Lynnette. Ooh, the intrigue. Because this plot line about incest, murder, pregnancy, blackmail, and swapping identities didn't already have enough things going on. (Thanks to forum poster KLS for relieving my broken TiVo woes.)
Susan, meanwhile, wants to party with Lee because she's sick of being alone -- and she realizes Lee and Bob are having trouble. So Lee takes her clubbing, and she tells him she's moving to Riverton to be with Jackson (who got a job there working at his alma mater). Lee thinks Susan's just taking the only guy she sees home at the end of the night, and I get extremely defensive of Gale Harold, who we all know is so much more than the last guy available at the end of the night. He's Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake! Susan and Lee get drunk and she wakes up half dressed with a shirtless Lee in her bed the next morning. Instant panic, because Susan's clearly not the type to just "sleep" in bed with a guy, unless they're, you know, sleeping together. She seems to forget he's gay, and when she finds a jazz CD, and then he slaps her on the butt, she knows they actually did the deed. She confessed to Gaby, and then Bob comes over and wants to know if Lee stayed there, because Bob thinks he went home with a guy. He says something about how drunken Lee will go home with anyone with facial hair, and Gaby about dies laughing. As do I. Eventually, Susan goes to Lee and asks, and he tells her she's crazy, because he's in a kimono listening to opera, which means: GAY. So, they talk about Jackson again. She says she doesn't love him yet, but she needs to move on from Mike, so she's moving in with Jackson in Riverton. Great idea, to do it all to help you get over one guy. In the meantime, you'll probably break Jackson's heart. Not that you care, Selfish Susan.
Finally, Creepy Dave continues more and more into insanity, since he killed his doctor, and thus has no meds and no one monitoring his levels of crazy. He is mean to Edie, no longer clean-shaven, and not even dressed in a suit. When Edie walks in on him talking to his dead family, he's spooked and accidentally pushes/hits her. She wants to know who the hell he was talking to, but he won't tell her anything, instead saying, "Leave me alone!" and storming out like the crazy, crazy creep that he is. Run far, far away Edie. Or, rather, tell someone how crazy he is and then run far, far away. But, other than Dave calling himself Mr. Dash (to his dead doctor's receptionist, in an appeal for a prescription), we don't get any reference to the big reveal from the last episode. Nice to see our season's big story at a stand-still, don't you think?
Previously, Andrew and Alex told Bree they were engaged. Jackson told Susan he needed more from her. Carlos could see again. Mrs. McCluskey and Lily Tomlin (her leather-clad sister, Roberta) made plans to go visit the doctor just before he was fried to a crisp. And Warren Schilling threatened Porter. That's all the "previously on" Mary Alice gives us before jumping right in.
She tells us there are important events in the history of every family -- births, deaths, weddings -- as she shows us pictures from Bree's wall. Mary Alice goes on that the one event every family dreads is the moment they meet the in-laws. Bree, standing in front of her picture wall, is being introduced to one Joanna Cassidy (Brenda and Billy's mom on Six Feet Under). Andrew introduces Joanna as "Melina Cominis," so apparently she's supposed to be Greek. Do we even know Alex's last name? If we were told it, I missed that. Melina says hi and thanks Bree for letting her stay there. She can't afford a hotel right now because she was laid off from her job. Bree tells her she's sorry, but Melina says it's okay, because you know what they say: "In a bad economy, the mature cocktail waitress is the first to go." Bree fakes a smile and asks, "Really? They say that?" Well, if they don't, they certainly should, because everyone knows that people only want to be served drinks by the very young and immature.
The boys clear out, so the mothers can get acquainted. Bree makes small talk, but Melina instantly calls Christmas, saying they'll have to split the holidays now. Bree says calling it is not how they decide family holidays. Melina calls Thanksgiving, and is about to call Easter, when Bree finally caves and calls it herself, despite really thinking calling the holidays is the worst way to handle this. The boys walk in right then, and Bree wants to get their input, so Melina leans in close and makes a threat to keep Bree from talking. And Mary Alice is back: "Yes there are important events in the history of every family. Meeting the in-laws is one. The moment you decide to hate them is another." Because, apparently, hating the in-laws is inevitable.
Edie walks out of a home with an "Edie Williams Realty" sign, and past most of the other Wisteria homes as Mary Alice talks about how everyone needs a home and a realtor. As Edie arrives home, Mary Alice finally gets to her point: that you need a lovely home in suburbia so no one will suspect the ugliness going on inside. She forgets to mention that, in this case, even Edie doesn't know from inside the home. Inside, Creepy Dave's rifling through a briefcase filled with prescription bottles. Edie walks in, and he slams it shut quickly. We see that he's all disheveled, what with his loose tie, facial hair, and mussed hair. Edie ignores it and tells him she got the Adams house listing, and asks him to take her out dancing. He says no, he doesn't feel like it. She gets pushy, and he makes a sincere apology, to which Edie replies, "There's something you should know about me: I don't stay unhappy for long." Not that I'm on Creepy Dave's side EVER, but since she doesn't know he's evil, maybe she shouldn't be threatening to cheat on him if he doesn't take her dancing? Seems a little drastic to me.