Hoping to unearth just cause for firing Tom, Ed brings in a forensic accountant to go over Tom's expense reports. Tom -- who clearly has something to hide -- punches out Ed in hopes of getting fired, before the accountant digs up anything on him. But despite Tom's fisticuff distraction, the accountant still discovers that Tom's been jetting off to Atlantic City and buying flowers and a pair of tickets to a show. (What kind of idiot submits receipts like that for reimbursement? While working at the same company as his wife? An idiot named Tom, it turns out.) Ed tells Lynette about the suggestive expenses, and Lynette passively confronts Tom with some side-windy Qs ("You know you can tell me anything, right?"), but Tom admits to nothing. Andrew discovers that Hempy is a sex addict, so he convinces Danielle to make a pass at him during a family dinner. Later, when Andrew tries to get Danielle to actually sleep with Hempy, she refuses on grounds of total grossness. Industrious Andrew decides to take the job on himself. When Bree finds Andrew and Hempy in a compromised position, she becomes "upset" and drives Andrew to a remote gas station and leaves him there. Caleb is a third of the way through his poisoned ice cream, when he (duh) lets it slip that Matthew told him Danielle wanted him to kiss her. Betty is "upset," so she lets Caleb live and locks Matthew in the dungeon. Edie's PI discovers that Susan is Karl's other woman. Susan tries to buy his silence, but she can't afford the $2k+ price tag. Since it's going to come out anyway, Susan writes Edie a tell-all letter and for some reason puts it in the mail (versus walking the six Earth inches over to Edie's mailbox). But then! Mike informs Susan that he paid off the PI on her behalf. (Mike, it appears, likes Susan again, and vice versa.) Desperate to retrieve the letter before it gets delivered to Edie, Susan is forced to go through a whole painful scene with the mailman, involving a gallon of iced tea and a confused mailman thinking Susan wants to have sex with him. But Susan's maneuverings are all for naught: the letter gets delivered anyway. Edie is very "upset" by the news of Susan's betrayal, and she burns down Susan's house. Gaby, who appears to be totally over the whole baby Lily thing (she is a very, very fast healer), discovers that Xiao Mei the Money is in danger of being deported. Luckily there's a loophole: Money can avoid getting sent back to China if she has an American baby in her baby hole. So why not have Money act as a surrogate for Gaby and Carlos? Total win-win! Money is reluctant to get knocked up, what with wanting to preserve her virginity, until Gaby convinces her that rich, American men love "experienced" women. Not at all surprisingly, Money becomes confused about the impregnation process and presents her naked self to Carlos, and Carlos? Isn't really all that "upset" about the mix up.
This week's MAVO flashback feature is all about "Oliver PI Weston," the Jim Carrey lookalike (played by John Mariano, who appears to have done every character that ever was in his scroller of a career, including the Generic Male Dark Elf Merchant in EverQuest II), Edie hired to privately investigate Karl. Oliver PI, it appears, is a cynic when it comes to love, what with all the lying and cheating and low-down-dirty-shaming he's witnessed in his line of work. We see flashbacks of Oliver PI hiding in bushes and trees as he snaps incriminating pics of: first, an office man tongue-kissing his secretary; then a housewife laying down some serious brown with a package delivery man; then a "girl next door" menage-à-cheating with a couple.
Back in the now, Oliver PI is holed up in Mike's bushes, literally, and he's got a camera in one hand and one of those eavesdropping guns in the other. Today, he's got his sights trained on Susan and Karl, who are talking it up over in Susan's garage. Just then, Oliver PI's viewfinder fills with a big, blue fuzzy something. (Which brings to mind this tenuous tangent: recently, my boyfriend and I were at a high-school production of Cats (I know), and about halfway through the first act, Marco decided that he and his camera needed to move in for a closer view, so he inched his way up the center aisle. Suddenly, a pride of Cats splintered off from the main group and just shattered the fourth wall. They started dancing their way out into the audience, but Marco was so busy snapping that he didn't notice. Finally, something startled him, and he looked up to discover that he was blocking, like, ten cats from rejoining the stage. He slunk back to his chair, and I pretended not to know him. Later, he described his point of view of the event thusly: "It was like I was Luke Skywalker on Tatooine, looking for 3PO and R2 through my space binoculars, and all of a sudden that Tusken Raider blurred my entire whole view! Only this time, it was a Cats!") Similarly startled, Oliver PI lowers his camera to find Mike standing just a few inches away. Mike starts manhandling Oliver PI, demanding to what he's up to. Oliver PI readily admits that he's been hired by Edie to find out whom Karl's been getting with, and the PI is pleased to report that he's just discovered who it is. Oliver PI looks meaningfully over at Susan. Mike scoffs. Karl and Susan aren't sleeping together! Why, the only reason they're talking at all is because they share a kid in common. Oliver PI, lecherously: "From what I heard, they're on the way to kid number two." Mike protests. Oliver PI: "You don't know these soccer moms like I do. By day, they bake cookies and carpool, but dim the lights, and bam, they turn into total pigs." He finishes up this deep life lesson with a hog-inspired squeal. Mike resists. Oliver PI: "Look at [Susan]. Clearly she knows her way around a mattress." Susan, by the way, is wearing a nutso outfit today -- some sort of teal green long underwear top streaked with bleach stains and...what are those, skintight hunting pants from Cabela's? So Mike punches Oliver PI, and Oliver PI goes sprawling. MAVO, with her usual twinkle: "Yes, Oliver PI Weston had become a cynic. Which is why he couldn't recognize a man who was still in love." As they would say at Mill Valley Middle School: Duh-weiner schnitzel!