Desperate Housewives
I Know Things Now

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I Know Things Now

Ugh: short-short title sequence. Go get yourself some beef jerky and a canteen because it's going to be a long night.

According to MAVO, every family has its little secrets. Some families cover wall stains with artwork; some families shut their "chaos" inside closets. And some families (we pan past a mom-son-son photo of the Applewrongs) hide their secrets behind forced smiles: "Every family goes to great lengths to hide ugly truths." Really? Much as every family has access to industrial-sized bottles of Phenobarbital? MAVO: "Some, of course, go further than others." Betty takes a pint of ice cream out of the freezer, scoops it out into a mixing bowl, and pours in a healthy splash of Phenobarbital. Matthew asks if they're going to do "this" (meaning putting Caleb to sleep) right now? No, the ice cream is for the big picnic that Caleb and Betty are going on tomorrow up at Rockwater Lake. Ooh, is that the same lake in which CreePaul plunked Deirdre's remains and Edie sprinkled Mrs. Huber's ashes? Oh, it isn't; that was Torch Lake. Heads-up, people who still care about the mystery of Fairview's geographical location: the town apparently features multiple lakes, full of human remains. Betty is preparing all Caleb's favorite foods for tomorrow's picnic. Matthew rather creepily asks if Betty's "just going to leave him lying there" after the deed is done. No, the plan is that Betty's going to "call 911 anonymously," then retreat to some vantage point and watch to make sure that someone comes for Caleb's body. At the start of her description of the game plan, she was all business, but by the end of it, she's in tears. (Alfre Woodard, will you be my best friend? And then we can both wear skirts tomorrow!) Matthew rather lamely tries to convince Betty that Calebocide isn't really necessary, but Betty declares that she isn't going to allow Caleb to hurt anyone else, nor will she let him go to a place where people will "mock and abuse him." I'm wasn't aware that mental facilities still used the "mock and abuse" method.

Edie, Susan, Bree, and Lynette are over at Gabby's, and they're surrounded by an ocean of food; the people from Carlos's church all dropped by to comfort a grieving Gabby over last week's loss of baby Lily. Gabby, it must be noted, is not at all in the same terrible state she was when they repossessed Lily; she isn't even in the same country. She's relaxed -- maybe a touch melancholy, but not nearly as distraught as I'd expect her to be after last week's nuclear meltdown. Lynette asks if they're going to try again to adopt, but Gabby thinks she couldn't go through it again. She mentions the surrogacy thing, but she seems doubtful. Bree urges her to eat, but Gabby has no hunger. Gabby urges the ladies to take some of the food with them, and they all politely decline -- except Edie, who pounces on the offer and immediately grabs a pie. The ladies stare and stare. Edie: "What? Karl dumped me, so I'm alone. Food fills the void?" Xiao Mei the Money, wearing a full traditional maid uniform, is dishing up food in the back of the kitchen and sobbing quietly. At first, Gabby blames the maid's tears on missing Lily: "Xiao Mei, I appreciate your grief," Gabby says snottily, "but really, you're bringing everybody down. Will you pull it together?" In my opinion, Gabby could well deserve to be brought down, what with LOSING HER BABY. But it turns out that Money isn't even upset about Lily: her sadness is over the U.S. government and its desire to send her back to China. Money shows Gabby a whole stack of letters from Immigration and Customs Enforcement. And now, faced with the potential loss of her miracle maid, Gabby finally looks devastated. Money hic-cries that she can't go back to China because her uncle will sell her into slavery again. Gabby promises that she and Carlos will fix everything, and Money hugs her gratefully. Gabby lets the hug settle for a few beats; then she pats Money's back dismissively and brusquely tells her to pack up all this food for the ladies to take. Oh, and also? They're low on coffee.

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Desperate Housewives

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