Desperate Housewives
I Know Things Now

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Evany: A | Grade It Now!
I Know Things Now

Lynette comes in and sullenly hands Ed the "numbers [he] wanted." She turns to go, but Ed asks her to stay, and to "close the door," which is office shorthand for bad, bad news. Lynette: "You sure? I might punch you, too." Ed, who is the most un-goofy he's ever been on this show, tells her he'll "take [his] chances." Lynette immediately gets up on her soapbox, about how maybe Tom shouldn't have hit Ed, but he was provoked; it isn't fair that Tom has to suffer for Ed's "screwed-up marriage": "It is pathetic, Ed. If you had stood up to your wife..." Ed chuckles to himself, and Lynette interrupts her own tirade to ask what's so funny? Ed is merely amused by the irony of Lynette's lecturing Ed on the state of his marriage, considering that the forensic accountant discovered that Tom has been sneaking off on side trips to Atlantic City, that he's been buying tickets for two to shows, and that he's also been buying flowers. Tom is an idiot. Submitting damning evidence like that for reimbursement is edgy enough on its own, but it's beyond stupid to do so when you're working at the same company as your wife. Though maybe, like many sinners, Tom secretly wants to get caught? Lynette is shaken, and she slowly sinks back into her chair. Ed: "Before you pass judgment on someone else's marriage, I'd clean up my own house, first." What a dick! And yet, how nice to for once see Ed performing at an age-level above seven.

Hempy, Andrew, Bree, and Justin are all sitting at the dinner table, but Danielle is still upstairs getting ready. Hempy nicely says that he hopes she isn't getting herself too dolled up, since he really just wants everyone to be "comfortable." Unfortunately, "dolled up" is exactly what Danielle's been busy getting. She comes down from her room and strikes a pose in the dining-room entryway; her hair's all sultry and loose and sexily in her eyes, and she's wearing a weird flesh-colored gown. The dress has spaghetti straps and an empire waist, which is trimmed with a satin ribbon and a rhinestone brooch: very "competitive ice dance." She is, how do you say, overdressed for this casual family dinner. There is also no doubt, now, as to what Andrew has talked Danielle into doing: the siblings Van de Kamp are trying to lure Sex Addict Hempy off the wagon, and Danielle is the underaged cheese they're hoping will tempt him into the trap.

What follows is a very squeamish scene -- one I didn't really see the first time through, what with my head being so, so deeply buried in my hands. Danielle sits down next to Hempy, and they all dig in to the "frittata." Hempy immediately starts choking on some salsa, which he suggests is maybe too spicy. So wait, this meal consists of frittata and chips and salsa? That is kind of a weird meal! Also weird: Danielle turns to Hempy and says, "I always say the hotter the better." She crunches down on a chip. The way she so clearly is trying for sexy, but is still so clearly too young for a comment like that (which would only make sense coming out of Mae West's mouth), it is so, so cringe-tastic. Andrew brightly steers conversation to Perkins College, which is where Hempy went to school. Hempy -- who is obviously thrown by the whole Danielle thing -- struggles to switch gears, but he manages to put together an answer about how he may have attended Perkins, but he went to more parties than classes. He and Bree chuckle over this bon mot. Bree: "Isn't this wonderful! Good food, pleasant conversation." She puts her hand on Hempy's knee. "This really is a very special night." Ugh, Bree looks so happy! And this scene is so not going to end well! Danielle: "I feel the same way." She slides her hand onto Hempy's other leg. Ew, ew, ew, get it off me! Hempy slowly, slowly turns his head and looks at Danielle. Andrew: "So, Peter! Is it growing?" Hempy: "?!?" Andrew: "The campus. Has it grown at all since you've been there?" Hempy: "Ah, yeah, it's grown...considerably." He glances furtively at Danielle's rack. Evany: [Runs for the hills.] Danielle continues to stroke Hempy's knees, and Hempy mutters something about college brochures. Then he abruptly stands up, babbles something about a forgotten appointment with an AA person he's sponsoring, and darts off. Bree, disappointed: "It's a shame; I really wanted him to have a chance to get to know you guys." Danielle: "Don't worry. I think we made an impression." Ick.

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Desperate Housewives




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