Alma has a freakout about her plan with Gloria going down the shitter. Gloria tries to give her a pep talk, and even recommends that Alma have a drink to relax. Alma thinks for a minute and decides that she's done protecting Orson: she's going to call the police. She adds, "I'd rather see him in jail than play house with Tammy Tightass." I had a doll named that as a child. Gloria promises once again to handle Orson, but Alma's done listening to her. Gloria claims that she saw something interesting at Orson and Bree's last night, but that they need to go into the attic to see it. Dumb Alma buys it, and heads upstairs, where Gloria locks her in the attic/baby incubator. This storyline is dumb, but Dixie Carter is awesome. Also, how many "locked in a room" storylines can one show sustain?
Jane's memorial service. Susan walks in wearing huge sunglasses (indoors) and a black newsboy cap. See, it's not even funny. It's just dumb slapstick. And I'm not opposed to funny slapstick; when Dwight fell off the desk on The Office this week, I laughed for a good ten minutes. Step it up, writers. Susan finds Ian, and he goes to kiss her on the cheek, but she claims to want to keep a low profile. Hence the giant hat. Susan walks into the next room and takes a seat. While fixing her makeup (right in the chapel or whatever? Tacky!), she notices a woman warmly greeting Ian. Apparently, Susan's compact mirror also has a hidden microphone, because she can hear what they are saying clear as day. The woman, Lynn, claims that Jane always jokingly told Lynn to marry Ian if she died. Susan gasps in shock and horror, because of course now Ian will dump Susan. It's what Jane jokingly wanted! Lynn invites Ian over for a home-cooked meal some night, and Ian refuses, which makes Susan smile. Lynn gives Ian a business card and says that she won't take no for an answer. Susan's all pissed about it, because men are just helpless worms who can't help fucking women accidentally when it's offered, and women are conniving bitches who plot to take other women's men, even when they don't know that someone else is in the picture yet. What I'm trying to say is that it's Ian's responsibility to stay away from other women, and if Susan doesn't trust him to do so, maybe it's not the right relationship. But then where would the slapstick come in? And the wacky hijinks? Speaking of wackiness, Susan practically trips Lynn as she walks in and sits down. Yeah. That bitch. Coming on to Susan's man, even though she has no idea Ian is involved with anyone. She should just know!