This one goes up to 11 on the Cringe-o-Meter: CreePaul's back in town, as evidenced by the fact that he's right out in front of his house, mowing the lawn. The ladies call the police, and Susan tells them all about how CreePaul confessed to her boyfriend that he was a murderer, and how her boyfriend has Mrs. Huber's diary, which reveals how CreePaul had a motive for killing Mrs. Huber, etc. Susan, the policeman, and the whole neighborhood march over to Mike's to confirm the story, but Mike tells Susan that she's mistaken, he told her no such thing, and he has no such diary. (Cringe factor: 7.) Later: Susan, who is very understandably upset that now the whole neighborhood thinks she's crazy, confronts Mike. Mike very logically points out that, as a man on parole, the story about how he kidnapped CreePaul and held an unlicensed gun to his head probably would get Mike in more trouble than it would CreePaul. And did Susan forget how Mrs. Huber's diary also mentioned that Susan burned Edie's house to the ground? Susan: "Oh, right." Later: CreePaul comes over to Susan's to ask about all the fliers she put up about Zana. Susan lamely pretends she knows nothing about Zana's whereabouts. CreePaul casually picks up one of her knives, and Susan tells him how she gave Zana money for a bus ticket to Utah. Later: Mike goes over CreePaul's house to tell him to...I'm not sure what -- get out of town, I guess? CreePaul reveals to Mike that Susan sent Zana to Utah. Later: Mike confronts Susan, who's in the middle of trying on her mother's wedding dress. Susan tearfully admits to sending Zana away, and Mike breaks up with her, leaving her weeping, in a wedding dress, in the middle of Wisteria Lane. Cringe factor: 11! Lynette's horrible boss says nasty things about Lynette's collection of threadbare suits, so Lynette goes out and pays $3000 for a stack of new clothes. This incenses Mr. Mom Tom, who points out that the money could pay for the twin's braces and tutors and other things parents worry about giving their kids. Lynette reluctantly agrees to return the suits, but first she wears the most expensive one, a flirty white $900 thing, to a big client meeting. In a "cringe factor: 7" moment, Bossy Boobs notices the tag hanging out the back of Lynette's skirt and tears it off in front of everyone. Now Lynette has to keep the suit, which she's not at all sad about because it makes her feel powerful and sexy and et cetera, but to smooth things over with Tom, she buys him a new set of golf clubs, the end. A crazy, sad stalker (not George) shoots Lecherous Lawyer Bradley. Gabby visits LLB in the hospital, which makes him think that he's in love with her, so he decides not to help Carlos get out of jail. Gabby puts on a sexy bra and panties and seduces LLB, telling him that if he wants her, he can have her, but that she won't leave Carlos because she's "Catholic." Addled by her hot and near-naked form, LLB agrees to her terms, and Gabby is all, "Ha! You aren't in love with me!" Because any man truly in love would never agree to share a woman with another man! Then she threatens to have him disbarred for sexual harassment if he won't represent Carlos, which she...could have done without the whole Victoria's Secret campaign? (Cringe factor: 4.) George and Bree are making out on her couch and seem poised to start rounding the bases when suddenly she breaks out in horrible, scary Star Trek hives. Her therapist thinks this is some sort of psychosomatic reaction to still feeling married to Rex. Bree thinks her therapist is ridiculous, and to prove it, she goes away with George for the weekend. But her hives return the very second they try to check in to the hotel, so she and George agree to keep the trip platonic. But then, over dinner, George talks Bree into taking some antihistamines with her wine. Bree gets super-drunk and passes out on her bed. George sits in a chair, watching her sleep, for hours and hours. When Bree finally wakes up, he threatens to leave her if she won't have sex with him, so she gives in and they do it. Cringe factor: 4000!
First, let me say that I really liked this episode, so it was kind of a shock to discover, after reading the boards, that I'm somewhat in the minority on this front. Maybe I've managed to confuse something that makes me cringe with something truly moving? Or maybe my standards have lowered in response to the overall decline of the show? I'm not really sure. All I know is that this episode flew by (for a change), and that I laughed aloud more that once, and actually had to cover my eyes on three separate occasions. Which is good, right?
MAVO: "George Williams had never been lucky in love. It seems that the women he dated always invented reasons not to consummate their relationship." We flash back to a series of women giving George lame excuses: one is afraid they'll wake the roommate, one has to get up really early for work, and one super-Whitesnakey slutty blonde very obviously lies that she's "saving herself for marriage." As each of the women closes her door in his face, George's hair blows back in a semi-hilarious way. MAVO: "Sadly for George, it was one unoriginal excuse after another." Back in the now, George bounds up the stairs to Bree's house, bouquet in hand. MAVO: "But since he'd started seeing Bree Van de Kamp, George couldn't help but [sic] feel his luck was about to change." Bree answers the door looking lovely in pearls, a blue wrap shirt, and a fitted black skirt (though with heavy dark eye makeup that is, perhaps, somewhat tranny). She gleefully informs George that the kids are away (you know, Andrew's at deprogramming camp and Danielle is...wherever it is that Danielle conveniently disappears to). George looks 3,000,000% stoked by this news. Wait, was Andrew right? Is George a virgin?
After dinner, Bree and George head into the living room, wine glasses in hand. Bree is babbling that the sauce for the duck was a little thick...honk-chew, honk-chew, honk-chew, is this boring babble out of nervousness? Or complete social retardation? I'm beginning to wonder if Bree's long history of inappropriate outbursts sprinkled amongst a field of endless tedious small talk is less a matter of piquant zaniness and more just a sign of undersocialization. George asks, as men always do, if he can take down Bree's hair. Bree complies, and her hair swings into place with that little flip at the bottom that we all know, love, and remember with much warmth. George was right to take her hair down -- curse him and his stereotypically mannish "long hair down=sexy" ideas -- Bree does indeed look good with her hair down. She meekly, nervously, seedily asks George if the hair-down approach looks better. Bree! Where is the woman who so self-confidently commanded George and his erection to stand down? She really is a sad, sad shadow of her former self. By way of an answer, George plants a tender, delicate peck on her lips, and Bree swoons and tells him how nice the kiss was. Green light! George dives on top of her. Bree struggles a bit, and George asks if "this" is okay. Bree: "I thought we were going to let the duck digest a bit, but...what the heck!"