Desperate Housewives

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DeAnn Welker: D | Grade It Now!
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What If We Had An Episode And Nothing Happened?

Previously: Lynette and Gaby got in a fight. So did Karl and Orson. And Mona threatened Angie. Luckily, a plane crash came and solved all of those problems: Lynette saved Gaby's daughter, Celia. Someone died inside the Santa house where Karl and Orson were fighting. Mona got hit by the airplane wing. We pick up tonight with a news anchor reporting from the site of the crash on Wisteria. Mary Alice says that if we watch the news tonight, we'll hear all about a tragedy on the suburban street. We'll get eyewitness accounts (from the Scavo boys). But the account won't tell us who survived, because no one yet knows for sure.

Cut to the hospital, where Susan shows up. Lynette, Tom, Bob, Mrs. McCluskey, Carlos and the Bolens greet her with coffee and explanations (she drove to the hospital after getting a text from Julie). They fill Susan in that Karl is in surgery, and there was a lot of bleeding, so he might not make it. Orson and Mona also are in surgery, but Bree's going to be okay. Celia has a concussion, which prompts Carlos to tell her they owe her everything. It's very sweet. Everyone decides to pray, and once it's silent, Lynette has a pain in her stomach. Mary Alice says the truth is that no one knows who survived, or who didn't. Lynette tells Tom she thinks there's something wrong with the babies. Opening titles.

Mrs. McC asks Susan later if she's heard about Karl. He's still in surgery. Mrs. McC feels like a hypocrite for praying for Karl now, after not speaking to him since he cheated on Susan. Susan says it's complicated for her, too, and Mary Alice leads us into ... not a flashback, not a flashforward, but a "what if" segment that NEVER HAPPENED and NEVER WILL. And it's only the first of several of those this episode, which brings me to my own: What if I didn't have to weecap this episode? Or, even better, what if this show had new writers who wouldn't come up with this kind of boring crap?

Anyway, Susan thinks about her marriage to Karl and how great it was until he became a big cheater. Then she imagines what it would have been like if she hadn't left him for cheating. Susan runs out after Karl, and calls him back. He wonders why, since she just kicked him out. Susan says they owe it to Julie and their 12 years of marriage, but she won't let him touch her, since he's still a pig. She makes him fess up to everyone he's been with since they were married, and he starts listing them. He gets through Brandy, Amber (dental hygienist), Kwan Lee (massage lady), nameless cable installer... when Susan tells him she doesn't actually want to know. She starts eating, and we flash forward to fat Susan. I don't know how they did it, but they even fattened up her legs. And Teri Hatcher looks completely weird in a fat suit. Also, she's wearing a little summery halter top that no person that fat would wear. She's baking cookies, though, of course. Do you get it? All she does is eat her troubles away since she's with Karl. Because he's a pig.

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Desperate Housewives

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