Tom: "I only wish it could also spurt flames periodically. Or just go ahead and shoot hot white semen all over my face whenever I push a button."
Lynette: "Renee, I can't believe you actually acceded to our client's wishes! How unprofessional!"
Tom: "Lynette, I think we're out of the woods. This proves that you get me, and thus our marriage is not a total sham."
Renee, secretly: "No, what it means is that I totally get you, and once Lynette burns you out and drowns all your children, I'll have you all to myself."
Mary Alice: "You'll be seeing a mixed-race marriage on this show right around the time Gabrielle and Bree actually do eat each other out, but thanks for the vote of confidence."

Tom, verbatim: "...What is it about leather that just says, I own your ass?"
(Reeee-wind.)
Tom, verbatim: "...What is it about leather that just says, I own your ass?"

Renee: "Okay, maybe that office is not the Tom who's been pitching in with carpool the past few years -- by which I mean, doing woman's work -- but the Tom who's running this company? Yeah, it is, and you need to accept that."
Lynette: "Don't you tell me about reality. I hate reality!"
Renee: "Lynette don't fuck this up don't fuck this up don't fuck this up..."
Lynette: "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to fuck this up."

Lynette: "Get your gay ass off that leather sofa and come over here. This is embarrassing."
Tom: "No, Lynette. This is my life. You fence in my masculinity all the time and I'm not having it. My masculinity is rampant. Rampant!"
Lynette: "God, my idiotic made-up GOP version of feminism is the pits."
Tom: "I hate you more right now than I have ever hated you. And since I finally have a job for the first time in my entire life, you'd better watch your ass."

PAUL YOUNG & THREE-FINGERED JUSTICE

Susan: "Paul, even with this adorable new haircut you look like... Are you bisexual or an IV-drug user or have you received a blood transfusion in the last ten years?"
Paul: "That is beyond offensive."
Susan: "Um, check out what show we're on."
Paul: "No, the only risk factors in which I engage are being within a hundred miles of Fairview, caring about other people, and helping the homeless."
Susan: "Yeah, you probably have AIDS. This show is not kind to that sort of business, Mary Alice would give you AIDS in a hot minute for the halfway house thing alone. You should probably leave town altogether, where she can't find you."