LYNETTE & RENEE
Lynette: "I bought cheap champagne to celebrate the end of a decorating job!"
Renee: "I love making jokes about cheap champagne. They will flow like sparkling wine! Number one, 'Dan Perignon'? Is gross! When picking champagne, wordplay usually isn't a selling point."
Tom: "Ooh! Dan Perignon! What are we celebrating?"
Lynette: "We just cleared a whole $293 decorating job."
Renee: "Less three bucks on the wine!"
Lynette: "The glass is always half empty with you."
Renee: "No, it's half full. Of dog piss."
Tom, having somehow halfway through this scene ended up with Lynette's glass: "You guys, you should decorate my office!"
Renee: "That sounds stupid..."
Tom: "I have a budget of twenty grand."
Renee: "...Stupid awesome, I mean. I'll even whack the employee of your choice."
Tom: "Um, like kill them? Or fire them? Or..."
Renee: "It's your money, Big Dick McGee."
BREE & GABRIELLE
Bree: "Why are you arranging white roses in my sterling silver pitcher?"
Gabi: "Because the girls broke your mirror."
Bree: "...You mean my serving dish."
Gabi: "I mean both. But look how pretty!"
Bree: "I'm going to church. To pray that your children die."
Gabi: "Wow, you really don't get church, do you?"
Bree: "Why's this bike on the driveway behind my car? Why's this empty car blocking me in? Why does everything happen to me?"
(She sits down gingerly and honks the car's horn, waiting for its owner to appear.)
Detective Chuck Vance: (Appears. His face makes more sense when he's British, but he's still crazy hot either way.)
Bree: "Why are you blocking me in? I should have you arrested! For getting on my nerves! Don't you understand that I'm on my way to church? God is going to smack you for this. He's my special friend and does me special favors."
Detective Chuck Vance: "So you are confused about church and the legal system? Fairview really is a town full of assholes. Good thing I'm here being a police detective."
Bree: "I'm sorry, I just have these Mexicans in my house and it's stressing me out. Can I borrow your gun?"
Detective Chuck Vance, verbatim: "To... Shoot the children?"
Bree, laughing crazily: "No! That was a joke. A little joke about killing children, just to break the ice. I have my own guns! I'm packing three pieces on me right now! If I was going to shoot the children dead, I'd just use one of them."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Okay, it was nice meeting you."
Bree: "Oh sorry, did I totally freak you out with how totally freaky I am?"
Detective Chuck Vance: "My unbreaking creepy stare isn't phasing you. I think we might be in love. I'll be back at some coincidental time to hit on you some more, okay?"
Bree: "Okay, I'll tell God not to mess with you."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Oh. Um, cool. And hey, if Felicia Tillman does anything nutty let me know, okay? I'm involved in that storyline somehow."