FELICIA & "BETH"

Felicia: "Can of Beth Ashes, I love our time together where I read to you from the Poison Control handbook. Just like when you were a little girl."
Can Of Beth Ashes: "So you're poisoning Paul's food that Susan is making? Have you thought this through? Because that means spending a lot of time with her."
Felicia: "No, she's being totally cool right now. It's weird."
Can Of Beth Ashes: "So, tell me in utterly scintillating detail exactly what's going to happen with this poison thing."
Felicia: "[Agonizingly detailed and not very interesting and full of big words that she weirdly has to sound out] followed by cardiovascular dysfunction and acute renal failure, then death. He'll think it's a heart attack!"
Can Of Beth Ashes: "I'm glad my kidney is your all-day pass to fucking over Susan Delfino. I wish I could hug you, but I'm a pile of corpse ashes."

(Ludicrous/enjoyably creative montage: Felicia injects while helping unload a naked ten-pound turkey that's apparently just sitting in Susan's shopping bags juicing all over her stuff; Felicia pours poison in an apple pie after bouncing a ball across the kitchen to distract Susan; Felicia sneaks up behind Susan at the grocery store and, undetected, trades poisoned OJ for the regular OJ in Susan's basket; Susan forces Paul to take his meds with poisoned OJ. It's all totally fun.)

Felicia: "Hey, Susan! How is Paul? Does he look like he's having renal failure?"
Susan: "I hope not, he might have to get dialysis for six hours, three times a week. Did I ever tell you..."
Felicia: "Nothing going on with his heart or his other parts?"
Susan: "Well, overall he looks like he's dying. I'm going to have to keep feeding him more."
Felicia: "Yeah. ...More poison!"

CARLOS & JUANITA & THE OTHER JUANITA

Gabi: "Carlos, when are you going to chill?"
Carlos: "Whenever you decide to do whatever I say, like a proper wife."
Gabi: "Okay. Give it 'til the end of the episode."

Juanita: "Daddy, why are you whining and throwing huge stupid hissyfits like Tom Scavo?"
Carlos: "Because Bree Van de Kamp killed your grandmother and namesake. With an axe. She lay in wait outside Grandma's gingerbread house, until she was just coming home with some presents for you, and then jumped out and hacked her limb from limb. It was grisly and it took a long time. Your grandmother had a lot of prostheses -- new hips, a pacemaker -- and some of that stuff you can't really get with an axe. So once the pieces were more manageable, Bree Van de Kamp got down on her hands and knees and just started gnawing."