Susan's heartfelt kindness toward Paul certainly couldn't go unpunished for long, and soon enough crazy old Felicia's managed to weasel her way into the house -- via her daughter's sentimental kidney -- and launch a full-on poison attack on the comfort food Susan's cooking for Paul. (And if you were hoping she'd continue to cackle and babble at Beth's ashes, you are in luck.) Mike and Susan are back in the financial black, and can finally afford to move back into Paul's house, but Susan feels weird about kicking him out -- especially now that she's poisoning him three times a day and he's looking sicker and sicker. Susan lightly suggests that he move out of the locus of his depression, and he comes to one of those weird Paul Young conclusions where she and Mike have been trying to get him out of there this whole time... It's sad, especially for Susan, who has been nothing awesome this entire time, and for Paul, who is lonelier than ever... And ends the episode dying alone on Susan's kitchen floor.
Tom hires Lynette and Renee to redecorate his office, which pushes Lynette's mission to emasculate him to a whole new limit: How can she somehow make this about teaching him a lesson? Well, by first making fun of his ideas, and then ignoring them altogether, of course -- as well as all of Renee's input. And how does this work out? Oh, Tom loves it! Lynette cheers herself on at length... Only to see that Renee has double-crossed her, wisely, and followed Tom's original wishes. Seeing Tom happy burns Lynette throughout her entire body like she's been eating Susan's poisoned brownies, so she harangues Tom until he explains that it's not about his masculinity, it's about defending his rep against the younger, more bloodthirsty partners. Things are left even uglier than last week, clearing a path for what I fervently wish would be a divorce (and dare we hope, a finale wedding to Renee?).
Bree's condescending attempts to parent Gabrielle's kids gets off to a terrible, hilarious start -- basically, they are too awesome for her to even comprehend -- but soon enough she's distracted by a hot new detective in the neighborhood, Chuck Vance, who's investigating Felicia for some reason. Juanita's attempt to Parent Trap Carlos and Gabi back together goes awry when Carlos tells her the story of her namesake's death, and she relates the story to Celia thus: "Bree killed grandma." Very succinct, very Juanita. Bree's etiquette lessons and household rules assume a horrifying new shape in light of this untrue revelation, somehow convincing both ladies that Bree's housetraining was successful.
Gabi immediately tries to sabotage their Stepford transformation, but it's Bree's adoring nighttime tucking-in routine that convinces them she's coming after them, too, so they immediately call the cops on her, resulting in a second appearance of hot detective Chuck Vance... Who asks Carlos point-blank if Bree killed his mom or what. Carlos "covers" (for this crime that never happened, at all, in any way), and Chuck Vance congratulates Bree on not killing any grandmas or little girls today before asking her out. Carlos bitches a whole lot, some more, and Bree breaks things off with Gabi so she can go back and follow Carlos's every instruction to the letter.
Wow, nearly a whole episode before Gabi's attempts at asserting her humanity crashed and burned! What, did Nancy Pelosi take over as showrunner?
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BREE & GABRIELLE
Mary Alice: "Bree Van de Kamp had occasionally found her home invaded by household pests, and her manner of dealing with them was ruthless: She smashed them, she poisoned them, she executed them..."
(Turns out Mary Alice is talking about what you should do with Mexican-American children when they are guests in your home.)
Bree: "Gabi, this has been 'great,' and I 'love' having you and your kids in my house, but they track mud all over the place and break shit and act awesome all the time. Andrew was such a tidy boy. Now he's an alcoholic, of course, who runs over people's grandmothers, but when he was a child I had a firm grip on his brain."
Gabi: "Just pretend they don't exist! That's what I do."
Bree: "We are different in some ways, aren't we?"
Gabi: "Yeah, but for the purposes of this story we're best friends."
Bree: "So when do you think you'll be going back to your abusive husband?"
Gabi: "Whenever his weak ass shows up here begging for it, I guess."
Bree: "But your house must be so quiet and so clean. It is a haven."
Gabi: "...Bree? It's too quiet. Did you leave food out?"
Bree: "I'm trying to bribe your kids with cookies. If they don't behave, at least Juanita will become a Type II diabetic. That should slow her down."
Gabi, verbatim: "You can't leave food out. They're like bears, you gotta tie it up in a tree."
Bree: "Gabi, did you ever think about parenting? Maybe give that a shot?"
Gabi: "No, not really. What goes on up here is mostly, like, beating up nuns or accusing my husband of his obvious latent homosexuality. That kind of thing. Self-hating minority stuff, sometimes, but mostly it's about putting on various outfits."
Mary Alice: "Yes, Bree Van de Kamp had finally met two pests she couldn't smash, poison or shoot. That's not to say she wasn't sorely tempted."
(Awful, right? She gets worse.)
SUSAN & PAUL
Mary Alice: "Good deeds aren't always done for the purest of reasons. We may be trying to impress, we may be acting out of guilt, we may be expecting something in return..."
Human Beings: "Who is this fucking 'we' you're always talking about? Assholes of America? Please, please stop patronizing me about your horrific values in that smug bitch voice."
Mary Alice: "...But occasionally, a good deed comes straight from the heart [and is royally ass-whupped accordingly]."