Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
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We Swallow Poison Every Sunday
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Mary Alice: "Bree Van de Kamp had occasionally found her home invaded by household pests, and her manner of dealing with them was ruthless: She smashed them, she poisoned them, she executed them..."

(Turns out Mary Alice is talking about what you should do with Mexican-American children when they are guests in your home.)

Bree: "Gabi, this has been 'great,' and I 'love' having you and your kids in my house, but they track mud all over the place and break shit and act awesome all the time. Andrew was such a tidy boy. Now he's an alcoholic, of course, who runs over people's grandmothers, but when he was a child I had a firm grip on his brain."
Gabi: "Just pretend they don't exist! That's what I do."
Bree: "We are different in some ways, aren't we?"
Gabi: "Yeah, but for the purposes of this story we're best friends."

Bree: "So when do you think you'll be going back to your abusive husband?"
Gabi: "Whenever his weak ass shows up here begging for it, I guess."
Bree: "But your house must be so quiet and so clean. It is a haven."
Gabi: "...Bree? It's too quiet. Did you leave food out?"
Bree: "I'm trying to bribe your kids with cookies. If they don't behave, at least Juanita will become a Type II diabetic. That should slow her down."

Gabi, verbatim: "You can't leave food out. They're like bears, you gotta tie it up in a tree."

Bree: "Gabi, did you ever think about parenting? Maybe give that a shot?"
Gabi: "No, not really. What goes on up here is mostly, like, beating up nuns or accusing my husband of his obvious latent homosexuality. That kind of thing. Self-hating minority stuff, sometimes, but mostly it's about putting on various outfits."

Mary Alice: "Yes, Bree Van de Kamp had finally met two pests she couldn't smash, poison or shoot. That's not to say she wasn't sorely tempted."

(Awful, right? She gets worse.)


Mary Alice: "Good deeds aren't always done for the purest of reasons. We may be trying to impress, we may be acting out of guilt, we may be expecting something in return..."
Human Beings: "Who is this fucking 'we' you're always talking about? Assholes of America? Please, please stop patronizing me about your horrific values in that smug bitch voice."
Mary Alice: "...But occasionally, a good deed comes straight from the heart [and is royally ass-whupped accordingly]."

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Desperate Housewives




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