Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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We Swallow Poison Every Sunday

CARLOS & JUANITA & CELIA & BREE

Carlos: "Now that I've told you a ridiculous and untrue story about your mom shacking up with a murderer, are you ready to go back home?"
Juanita: "Sure!"

Juanita: "Hey, Celia. Get this."

Back home, Bree -- holding gardening clippers and looking like a crazy Marvel Comics villain -- jumps out of the bushes at them: "Hi, girls! Are you ready to discuss my rules?"
Girls: "Yes, ma'am."

LATER

Gabi: "I am so high right now! Are my kids back yet?"
Bree: "Yes, they are steaming Brussels sprouts and mortifying their flesh in the other room."
Gabi: "What did you do. Did you start hitting them? I was going to suggest hitting them."
Bree: "No, I just brandished a weapon."
Gabi: "I should have thought of that."

Gabi: "Hey, Juanita. Bree's in the bathroom -- just tidying up, because of course Bree doesn't use the bathroom -- so you can drop the act."
Juanita: "What-act-Mommy."
Gabi: "Is somebody making you say this? Blink if you're being controlled."
Juanita, unblinking: "No-Mommy-everything-is-fine."
Gabi: "I really need to sabotage her parenting to feel good about myself. Please, please eat this tray of brownies."
Juanita: "No-Mommy-an-apple-is-healthier-for-growing-girls."
Gabi, verbatim: "What did she do to you? How did she break you?"

TOM & RENEE & LYNETTE

Renee: "Lynette, why does it look like Roseanne Barr decorated Tom's office?"
Lynette: "That's the look I was going for."
Renee: "You literally have a mental problem. This is not normal. This is micromanagement on a scale I haven't seen since... Last week's episode."

BREE & GABRIELLE & DETECTIVE CHUCK VANCE & CARLOS

(Bree, stalking the halls of her mansion like she does every night ever since Jesus told her she doesn't need sleep, notes that a pillow has fallen from the bed where the girls are sleeping. She picks it up with a tender smile, and Juanita awakes.)

Juanita: "ACK! A STRETCHED-OUT ALIEN MURDERER! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE?"
Bree: "Chill out, my God. You'd think I was about to smother you with this pillow!"
Celia: "SHE'S GOING TO SMOTHER US WITH A PILLOW!"

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Desperate Housewives

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