Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
We Swallow Poison Every Sunday

(The girls lock themselves in the bathroom and dial 911. Because she has never had children for nine years, Gabi can't think to do anything but call her big strong bear of a husband to come over and break down the bathroom door that forms the girls' panic room.)

Detective Chuck Vance: "I answer house calls from little girls sometimes. What's going on here?"
Carlos: "What's going on here?"
Detective Chuck Vance: "Apparently you told Juanita that Bree killed her grandmother?"
Carlos, now sober: "No, I said I missed my wife just like when my mom died, and that I blamed Bree. How confusing for children that must have been."
Detective Chuck Vance: "No, you just explained a whole lot about your psyche. Anyway, I'm out. Bree, can you walk me to my car? I'm scared of Felicia."

Detective Chuck Vance: "I honestly thought you were going to murder those two little girls, like you told me you were going to. Since you didn't, can I ask you on a date?"
Bree: "Yes, you may."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Then maybe I will. At a later time. Peace!"

Bree: "Carlos, thanks for covering for me. After all, that crime -- which wasn't a crime, never occurred, and with which I was utterly unconnected -- could have really bit me in the perimenopause."
Carlos: "First of all, 'peri' my ass. Second of all, I did it for Andrew. We're going 'camping' next weekend and I don't feel like smooth-talking him any more than I have to. Third of all, you can still get the fuck out of my house."
Bree: "Actually this is my house, but I know what you mean."

Bree: "Gabi, I'm sorry but you have to move out."
Gabi: "What? Why?"
Bree: "Because men are always right. I forgot for a second."
Gabi: "Can we at least have phone sex?"
Bree: "...Fine. But only right before church, so it doesn't count."
Gabi: "But that's not how... Sure, fine. Whatever."


Susan: "Felicia! Try these brownies you just poisoned!"
Felicia: "I'm afraid not. Ever since I chopped off my own fingers, I've lost the taste for chocolate. The Fairview medical community said that's where your taste buds are located."
Susan: "I must insist! I have a nut allergy that directly contradicts previous continuity!"
Felicia: "Fine."
Susan: "How do they taste?"
Felicia: "Like I just got poisoned. I gotta go."

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Desperate Housewives




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