Desperate Housewives

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We Swallow Poison Every Sunday

(Felicia barfs in her purse. It's real weird to watch. At least she is dedicated to her ridiculous urn-chatting cause.)

LYNETTE & RENEE & TOM

Lynette: "Sorry I had to go over your head about the professional business we both own and operate."
Renee: "Sorry I had to go over your head because you're a mental case."
Lynette: "What do you mean?"

(Tom opens his office door to reveal a carnival carousel of giant penises thrusting up and down in time to the music. Most of them are African-American, because that's how straight guys are.)

Tom: "I only wish it could also spurt flames periodically. Or just go ahead and shoot hot white semen all over my face whenever I push a button."
Lynette: "Renee, I can't believe you actually acceded to our client's wishes! How unprofessional!"
Tom: "Lynette, I think we're out of the woods. This proves that you get me, and thus our marriage is not a total sham."
Renee, secretly: "No, what it means is that I totally get you, and once Lynette burns you out and drowns all your children, I'll have you all to myself."
Mary Alice: "You'll be seeing a mixed-race marriage on this show right around the time Gabrielle and Bree actually do eat each other out, but thanks for the vote of confidence."

Tom, verbatim: "...What is it about leather that just says, I own your ass?"
(Reeee-wind.)
Tom, verbatim: "...What is it about leather that just says, I own your ass?"

Renee: "Okay, maybe that office is not the Tom who's been pitching in with carpool the past few years -- by which I mean, doing woman's work -- but the Tom who's running this company? Yeah, it is, and you need to accept that."
Lynette: "Don't you tell me about reality. I hate reality!"
Renee: "Lynette don't fuck this up don't fuck this up don't fuck this up..."
Lynette: "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to fuck this up."

Lynette: "Get your gay ass off that leather sofa and come over here. This is embarrassing."
Tom: "No, Lynette. This is my life. You fence in my masculinity all the time and I'm not having it. My masculinity is rampant. Rampant!"
Lynette: "God, my idiotic made-up GOP version of feminism is the pits."
Tom: "I hate you more right now than I have ever hated you. And since I finally have a job for the first time in my entire life, you'd better watch your ass."

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Desperate Housewives

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