Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
We Swallow Poison Every Sunday


Susan: "Paul, even with this adorable new haircut you look like... Are you bisexual or an IV-drug user or have you received a blood transfusion in the last ten years?"
Paul: "That is beyond offensive."
Susan: "Um, check out what show we're on."
Paul: "No, the only risk factors in which I engage are being within a hundred miles of Fairview, caring about other people, and helping the homeless."
Susan: "Yeah, you probably have AIDS. This show is not kind to that sort of business, Mary Alice would give you AIDS in a hot minute for the halfway house thing alone. You should probably leave town altogether, where she can't find you."

Paul: "Susan, no homo, but you are literally my best friend. I wouldn't do that to you and Mike. I know that since neither of you can read, my rent payments for this huge house -- even though I own seven other houses on this block and do not need to be renting anything whatsoever -- keep you afloat."
Susan: "As it turns out, we're ready to move back in. So it's a win/win, except for how you need to get the fuck out of this house before you die in five minutes."

Paul: "Oh ho ho, I see your game now!"
Susan: "Um, what?"
Paul: "You were just making me pot-pies to butter me up!"
Susan: "Um, Paul? I'm your landlord and we're month-to-month, I seriously have just been being nice. Given sufficient notice I can reoccupy any time I want."
Paul: "Not in Fairview! In Fairview everything is backwards and you can come inside my house anytime you want but never evict me!"

Susan: "Anyway, that's not what this is about. You are sitting in your wife's tomb."
Paul: "You are sitting in your wife's tomb!"
Susan: "...What?"
Paul: "I don't know, I'm delirious because you keep poisoning me. So listen, I'm about to shit my entire guts out and then expire on your kitchen floor, so if you don't mind..."
Susan: "Paul, I can't leave just because you asked. I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES!"

Paul: "I rescind your invitation!"
(She goes flying backwards, through the air and out the door.)
Susan: "But Paul! How am I supposed to love you and take care of you from out here?"
Paul: (Slaps her in the face, murmurs something incomprehensible, closes and locks the door, and then falls to the tiles in a heap of mess.)

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

Desperate Housewives




Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP