Desperate Housewives

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We Swallow Poison Every Sunday

PAUL YOUNG & THREE-FINGERED JUSTICE

Susan: "Paul, even with this adorable new haircut you look like... Are you bisexual or an IV-drug user or have you received a blood transfusion in the last ten years?"
Paul: "That is beyond offensive."
Susan: "Um, check out what show we're on."
Paul: "No, the only risk factors in which I engage are being within a hundred miles of Fairview, caring about other people, and helping the homeless."
Susan: "Yeah, you probably have AIDS. This show is not kind to that sort of business, Mary Alice would give you AIDS in a hot minute for the halfway house thing alone. You should probably leave town altogether, where she can't find you."

Paul: "Susan, no homo, but you are literally my best friend. I wouldn't do that to you and Mike. I know that since neither of you can read, my rent payments for this huge house -- even though I own seven other houses on this block and do not need to be renting anything whatsoever -- keep you afloat."
Susan: "As it turns out, we're ready to move back in. So it's a win/win, except for how you need to get the fuck out of this house before you die in five minutes."

Paul: "Oh ho ho, I see your game now!"
Susan: "Um, what?"
Paul: "You were just making me pot-pies to butter me up!"
Susan: "Um, Paul? I'm your landlord and we're month-to-month, I seriously have just been being nice. Given sufficient notice I can reoccupy any time I want."
Paul: "Not in Fairview! In Fairview everything is backwards and you can come inside my house anytime you want but never evict me!"

Susan: "Anyway, that's not what this is about. You are sitting in your wife's tomb."
Paul: "You are sitting in your wife's tomb!"
Susan: "...What?"
Paul: "I don't know, I'm delirious because you keep poisoning me. So listen, I'm about to shit my entire guts out and then expire on your kitchen floor, so if you don't mind..."
Susan: "Paul, I can't leave just because you asked. I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES!"

Paul: "I rescind your invitation!"
(She goes flying backwards, through the air and out the door.)
Susan: "But Paul! How am I supposed to love you and take care of you from out here?"
Paul: (Slaps her in the face, murmurs something incomprehensible, closes and locks the door, and then falls to the tiles in a heap of mess.)

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Desperate Housewives

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