Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
We Swallow Poison Every Sunday

Lynette: "Essentially, what I'm envisioning for your office is basically what would happen if a gay yuppie loft in San Francisco met Martha Stewart and they all fucked Laura Ashley. You know, homey, shabby-chic. Linen sofa, backlit tampon dispenser..."
Tom: "Of all the retcons on this show, my giant penis was the dumbest one, so let's forget that and go full-overcompensating. You know, samurai swords and dragon lamps and swordfish. Basically instead of furniture I want erect penises thrusting and jutting up out of every surface."
Renee: "...Keep talking."
Tom: "Have you heard of Donald Trump?"
Lynette: "No, I wasn't allowed to go to a seminar one time."

Tom: "Well, nobody on this planet is more secure in his masculinity than Donald Trump, so I think I should decorate like him. Here is a picture I pulled out of Wannabes Monthly, The Magazine For Men Who Got Lost Along The Way."
Lynette, verbatim: "Are you... Planning to take over the world with your death ray?"
Tom: "I think this is impressive. Speaking as the three-beer queer you married, I'd think you'd understand what I mean."
Lynette: "I wish I had a nut-shrinking ray."
Renee: "Lynette, shut up. Tom, you're our client. I will call The Donald."
Tom: (Thinks about calling himself The Tom.)
Lynette: "Stop that right now."
Renee: "Tom, your virile self deserves a virile-appearing office. We'll be back with sketches. We're here to do what you want."

Lynette: "...We absolutely cannot do what he wants."
Renee: "It's his space. He is a paying client. What part of this aren't you getting?"
Lynette: "Any of it. Any of the parts."
Renee: "I cannot believe you said 'soft wood' to your husband where somebody could hear you."
Lynette: "Essentially anything that comes out of my mouth is a synonym for that anyway."


Susan: "Ack! Felicia, get the fuck away from my house!"
Felicia: "Sorry, I just missed my daughter that I talked into committing suicide, and once I got bored of talking to her ashes I thought I might come stare creepily at your kidney."
Susan: "That makes complete sense to me. Come right in. Hey, you haven't been having sex dreams about me, have you? Because sometimes that happens, too."

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Desperate Housewives




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