Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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We Swallow Poison Every Sunday

Felicia: "So you've... Graduated to pot pies."
Susan: "No, this is one of the episodes where I know how to cook. And have a nut allergy. Despite neither of those things being true, oftentimes."
Felicia: "Not even the writers give a shit about this show, do they? Do they just grab the loudest asshole homeless person yelping about welfare cases and chuck 'em in the writers' room? Do you have to know anything about the show before you join the staff?"
Susan: "I prefer to think of it as aggression toward the viewer."

Felicia: "You're probably wondering while I'm here, with my no fingers and crazy eyes."
Susan: "No, I have no friends. Chillin' with psychos is pretty much all I've got to do, now that all my cancer friends are dead and I no longer get to have dialysis for six hours a day, three times a week."
Felicia: "Susan, you make me and my awful sister seem nearly competent, socially speaking. I'm surprised you weren't friends with my Beth."
Susan: "No, that was before my complete personality turnaround over the last ten minutes. Hey, I like your one crazy glove that clearly has less than five fingers in there! Way less disconcerting that way. You're like the King of Pop!"

Felicia: "Listen, could you leave the room for a second so I can do absolutely nothing suspicious to Paul's food?"
Susan: "Sure thing!"

FELICIA & "BETH"

Felicia: "Can of Beth Ashes, I love our time together where I read to you from the Poison Control handbook. Just like when you were a little girl."
Can Of Beth Ashes: "So you're poisoning Paul's food that Susan is making? Have you thought this through? Because that means spending a lot of time with her."
Felicia: "No, she's being totally cool right now. It's weird."
Can Of Beth Ashes: "So, tell me in utterly scintillating detail exactly what's going to happen with this poison thing."
Felicia: "[Agonizingly detailed and not very interesting and full of big words that she weirdly has to sound out] followed by cardiovascular dysfunction and acute renal failure, then death. He'll think it's a heart attack!"
Can Of Beth Ashes: "I'm glad my kidney is your all-day pass to fucking over Susan Delfino. I wish I could hug you, but I'm a pile of corpse ashes."

(Ludicrous/enjoyably creative montage: Felicia injects while helping unload a naked ten-pound turkey that's apparently just sitting in Susan's shopping bags juicing all over her stuff; Felicia pours poison in an apple pie after bouncing a ball across the kitchen to distract Susan; Felicia sneaks up behind Susan at the grocery store and, undetected, trades poisoned OJ for the regular OJ in Susan's basket; Susan forces Paul to take his meds with poisoned OJ. It's all totally fun.)

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Desperate Housewives

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