Paul thinks about taking Beth for a good old-fashioned countryside murder, but then he changes his mind once again, due to staring at a picture of Zach or something.
Susan can't handle kidney truths so she cheerfully drills a hole in the skull of this mean old awesome guy, who's also getting dialysis, and then she cheerfully fucks him in that brain hole, until he is dead. Then she does a cheerful dance!
Renee's hilarious hatred of children raises itself to the level of actual psychic powers, but then the gay ones introduce her to their thirty-year-old daughter they've just adopted, who came in the mail, and then chill her horrific disinterest in children forever, causing the teeth in her vagina to sprout flowers and buttermilk biscuits, by asking her to explain menstruation to the well-into-menses girl, whom they've named "Liza Scissor Somewhere Over The Bumpy Night Boulevard Kathy Griffin Demon Barber Of La Cage Aux Bloody Bloody Gay-Parentsbaum."
At this point in the episode, Tom Hanks and Nathan Lane team up to deliver a heartfelt, tear-jerking eulogy, because everybody on this show has died of full-blown AIDS. Then they redecorate.
Gabrielle freaks out McCluskey with her weird doll talk, but it doesn't really matter to Carlos or anybody else because women are stupid and crazy, and then they get carjacked, and all Gabs can worry about is how her fake baby friend got jacked along with the car. God damn it.
Oh, and Bree finds out that Keith knocked up a black girl six years ago, so she pays the girl off to keep quiet about her son, because she is disgusting.
Finally, Lynette's mom is fucking this old racist, but nobody on this stupid racist show can even tell what that means anymore, so it's fine.
Anyway. Have a great week!
Oh, crackers! Paul Young is still stewing over how his wife is actually a double (or is it triple now?) agent for the sister of the woman he clubbed to death with a toaster for taunting his wife into suicide for stabbing the drug dealer from whom she'd stolen her baby, back before the days when Alfre Woodard was putting everybody in the basement and airplanes were setting fires at crowded Great White concerts and gunning down old ladies and everybody had a gay husband.
And poor Beth his wife, who thinks she's finally made the jump to rational human behavior, never knowing that he blames her for his shooting and all manner of things. She comes in to be simpering and sweet and tell him about the gun they found at Bree's, and how she thinks she's being framed for just that thing he thinks she did, and he's like, "Well, I guess I have to kill a bunch more people now. Let's go on a little trip together so I can throttle you and then your mom will really have it out for me."
Mary Alice is smoking some of that superfine pot they give you in heaven: "We are reminded every spring -- with every rose that blooms, with every sunflower that blossoms, with every lily that buds -- the world is a beautiful place. Sadly, it is filled with people who do ugly things." Ugly things like saying shit like that? Yes. And but also why is it spring suddenly? [Because it never snows here. - Zach] And why is everybody talking about "buds" in this episode?
Renee sees a competitor driving away from the Gays' house and immediately charges them like a rhino, calling the other lady an "inferior designer" and starting madness. Of course the Gays will love Renee, because she's so diva and whatever, just a big ol' drag queen like gays love so much, and because why else import her from Ugly Betty if not to grab that golden ring? "Look, you know we just adopted a little girl... You're not exactly maternal. We wanted this room to be pink and nurturing, and your style seems more like chrome, and glass, and... Teeth."
Funny and sharp as that is, speaking only in terms of sheer dialogue, I do feel it necessary to point out that four minutes and nineteen seconds into the episode, we've already hit a vagina dentata joke. Which, since this entire show is one long vagina dentata joke, maybe that's not even super noteworthy. Anyway, Renee undercuts the other lady's contract and they agree to it; at the sidewalk she leaves them with this: "Just so you know, I'm as maternal as the next woman."