Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Whatever Let Me Go

And as she says this, she holds up one palm like Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four, causing a bicycling child to abruptly fall over using only the power of her child-hate. Which is the funniest thing in the entire episode, frankly season, no matter what else happens. That was amazing, I rewound it like twenty times even after we'd already seen it in all the previews. Genius.

Speaking of maternal, how's Gabs doing? Well, I'll tell you: She is going nuts and keeping her $840 dolly from Screamin' Meemie's Dolls & Preemies just like down her drawers at this point. Carlos bugs her about the money spent, and she offers him sex as a distraction, but he's not dissuaded: "Why are you buying our kids fancy toys? Last week, Juanita used her doll's leg to scrape peanut butter out of the jar." Can't you just see it?

Gabi decides to lie and say it's for the new Gay baby/tween, and Carlos should shut up anyway because at least she's not "staying in bed till two in the afternoon, or staying up all night sobbing." Yeah, which was something you should have fucking quit doing, no therapy or shopping required. And how about how she's the one that broke up their gay marriage in the first place, by messing about with their minds over being a surrogate? They keep cramming her into these mommy stories that don't make sense in the first place and then make even less sense strung together. "Carlos, if you get this worked up now, you'll have no place to go when the bill for the platinum card comes in."

Men are from Mars and women are from Nordstrom, am I right? Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Can I get a what-what? But it's just true, you know, women love to shop! What can I say, it's just true. It's just the truth, about us women. You know it, girlfriend! Shopping and child abuse and the occasional baby out of wedlock and this draining unconscious feeling of emptiness and the next thing you know your husband's like, "I wanna watch a sports game on the TV" and you're like, "But what about my shows on TLC, about dwarves and pregnant teens and burning all my clothes and Trading a Space or two now and again?" and then before you know it, he's cold-cocking you across the face and you're crying and calling your mom and making him sleep on the couch even though you know you were asking for it. I mean, it's funny, right? Men and women. Shopping. Diet soda. Salads. Carrie Bradshaw's ancient vagina. Spiritual attrition. Hair removal. But chocolate, too! Thank God for chocolate, right?

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Desperate Housewives




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