Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Whatever Let Me Go

Tom is, if possible, even more atrocious about the ill-fated wedding than Lynette is, because as far as he can tell, the old ticker's gonna go and then eventually Lynette's bitch mother will die, and then they'll be rich. He doesn't understand why this is horrible; Lynette understands why it's horrible and talks as though she found it horrible, but I don't trust any of these jerks anymore. Anyway, Tom's putting a happy shine on things for her, because the real heart truth of the matter is that if Lynette doesn't support this financially motivated racist wedding, her mom will be sad, because this is her Big Day and thus, Lynette better cram it and wheel her ass down the aisle. Which is true, actually, and the correct approach, but why get there via Ghoulish Avenue?

Lynette kidnaps her mother and wheels her into a side room, threatening not to visit her mother even harder than she already doesn't visit her, because her husband is going to be a monster. Plus, think of the children. Porter's already halfway to rent boy, is this the example we're setting? Whatever, mom explains that the mercenary part of it is just an act to protect her brittle self-image because the simple fact is she's settling for a racist because she's horribly lonely. And this, Lynette understands, because Lord knows she wrote the book on settling for way less than you deserve. And since apparently this little meeting of the minds has erased any other issues from the table, the groom shows up and says something cute: "My daughter doesn't think you're good enough for me," mom says, and he fully agrees. And then it goes immediately away again, because of more awkwardly shoehorned-in racist dialogue. But it was cute for a sec.

The gays bring the new baby over to meet Renee, and that's it. Like they go, "This is our daughter, we just picked her up from the airport and we wanted you to be the first person on the Lane to meet her, and so you have, so goodbye." It's so weird. People on Wisteria Lane act so weird.

The really gay one stays behind to give a speech about how a girl needs a mommy to explain the womanly arts of the sanitary napkin-and-belt system that's all the rage or whatever -- and I stress again that the little girl is well into her teens, okay, but keep in mind this is the same show where they renamed her last week, on a big gay whim -- and would Renee like to be that tampon advisor? Every Estelle needs her Havisham, after all. ("If she ever calls me Old Auntie Renee," Renee says wonderfully, "I will kick her.")

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Desperate Housewives

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