Lynette hops into bed next to a zoned Gay Matt. It seems she went to a PTA meeting; mercifully, we are spared the details. Gay Matt tries to be casual about his admission that his boss called him in and canceled the promotion. He's holding it for Tim Duggan after all. "Ohhh," Lynette says, looking guiltier than O.J. wearing a shirt that reads, "Of course I fucking did it, you assrags! SNAPS!" Gay Matt immediately says he's fine, which means he is not. Then he lies that he didn't want to work all those long hours, anyway, and gee, remember how he hates flying, and what it does to his back? "All that extra stress, and I would've ended up like Tim Duggan ten years from now," Gay Matt decides. Lynette continues to have the good sense not to look or act triumphant in any way. "Look, you're going to make VP one of these days," she tries to coo, which only has the unsupportive effect of making it sound like she didn't think he deserved it outright in the first place. "It's okay," Gay Matt says dully. "Honest. I am really glad it worked out this way." Then he actually gulps. And then smiles through the most gritted teeth I've seen since I gave my mother orange lipstick for Christmas when I was eight and she saw my proud smile and was like, "It's...just...perfect, honey!" I love my mother so much. Lynette stares off into the middle distance, presumably searching for an image of herself that doesn't make her want to slap her own selfish face.
Susan gets out of her car and is immediately accosted by Mike. She jumps. He asks how it went. "Just peachy," she spits. "And...humiliating, and shocking." Mike tries to calm her, but she hits him with her purse, which I love. "How could you?" she chokes. "God, Susan...do you trust me?" Mike asks. Hey, Mike? You only get to pull that one so many times, pal. "Of course I do," Susan says, tears snaking out her eyes. "I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. And apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there." She loses her breath at the end of this rant and is barely keeping it together -- she's really only clinging to a shred of composure, and I so feel for her. "I came to Wisteria Lane..." Mike begins. But she interrupts him before he can say anything revealing, because that's how TV works. Damn this cruel, beautiful genre. "Stop, Mike, stop!" she yelps, pushing him away twice with both hands. "If you keep talking, you're going to work your way into my heart," she sniffles. "And I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever." Her voice breaks as she takes refuge inside her house, while Mike looks totally crushed.