KimberBree gasps to Rex that Andrew can't be having sex -- he's just a boy! Will no one think of the children? "He's sixteen," Rex says tiredly, popping more Pills of Pharmaceutical Tomfoolery and lying down on the couch to rest his poisoned head. KimberBree wants to forbid Andrew from having sex, or search his room and confiscate all the prophylactics, but Rex disagrees: "He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis, and he'd still try to have sex," Rex argues." Hee. KimberBree frets that doing nothing is tacit compliance with Andrew's premarital boffing. "Let me put this another way," Rex says, pausing for dramatic effect. "Do you want to become a grandmother?" KimberBree is galled.
We cut upstairs to Bree coming out of Andrew's room, bumping into her son as he's entering. She smiles angelically as MAVO reminds us that, yes, KimberBree's family values matter to her, but she also feels that "it's better to be safe than sorry." Andrew immediately spies the treasure his mother has left on his bed: the condom, which appears to be either green or blue, and which basically says, "Use it if you have to...but I KNOW WHAT YOUR WANG IS DOING."
We hit the main titles. As they roll, only our hearing-impaired viewers are treated to a closed-captioned ad for Ford: "Sponsored by Ford, with six all-new vehicles." Sneaky, Ford. Sneaky. And you know which one I'm not going to buy? The Freestyle, because I hate that commercial with a white-hot fire. For shame, Brooke Shields.
As we push back in on Wisteria Lane, Mary Alice has a new story to tell us. "Each new morning in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies," she once-upon-a-times. She totally makes me think of that scene in Three Men and A Baby where Tom Selleck is reading a bloody boxing article from Sports Illustrated to the infant in exactly this voice, and when one of the other guys calls him out on it, Tom coos, "It doesn't matter what you read. It's the tone you use." We drift toward Unnamed Harried Housewife, who is slapping a "My Child Is An Honor Student" bumper sticker onto her car, and doing so haphazardly enough to make it wrinkle. "Little white lies, told not to hurt..." MAVO drawls, as a postman walks by and tells UHH that she looks lovely this morning and elicits a bright and delighted expression from the woman, "but to make life more pleasant." Cut to Carlos getting a pack of mail from the letter-carrier. MAVO notes that some lies are protective, and Carlos goes off on a fake-jovial rant about how he can't believe "this" -- presumably a late notice in the mail -- and blaming it on online banking. The postman smiles politely and leaves, because his job description doesn't involve dancing through somebody's bullshit, and that stuff's murder to get out of your boots. Carlos drops the façade and looks worried.