Gay Matt is at his company softball game. He's on the blue team, which is collectively slapping the hand of one Tim Duggan as he races out to bat. Lynette sneaks up and loops an arm around Gay Matt, and she appears to be wearing a shirt that is (a) red in color, more similar to opposing-team orange than her husband's team's blue theme, and (b) that has a similar logo to that of the other team. I'm not sure what's up with that. I only mention it as a rabid sports fan who won't let anyone wear the opposing team's colors while they're watching my team play. Yeah, I'm that girl. Anyhoo, Gay Matt is still really bitter about Tim Duggan, so he starts up some bitchy play-by-play while Duggan rounds the bases off his big hit. "Look at the job-stealing bastard run," Gay Matt intones. "Duggan is really showing some of that glory-hounding ass-kissing hustle that he is so famous for." Lynette giggles, because suddenly there's no one else around to hear the bitterness, and she loves it when hubby gets nasty. Duggan runs for an extra base, "just as he scrambled for extra territory in screwing over unsung utility player [Gay Matt]"; while Lynette suddenly revels in her husband's revision of his own meek history, Tim Duggan collapses into the dirt. Gay Matt still calls him an attention whore, until the CPR starts. And that is generally when the party stops. Unless I am more staid than I thought.
Julie begins her futile crusade to get Susan's permission to attend Zack's party. When Julie argues for dating freedom, Susan clarifies that Zack is the problem, not dating itself: "I just think he's...crazy," she says. "Mom, I've heard people call you crazy," Julie counters. "I'm adorable-crazy," Susan deludes herself. "He's...rampage-crazy." Oh, come on, Susan, live a little! Pirates rampage, and look how hot they are.
A cop knocks on the door and interrupts. He is Detective Copeland, Keeper of Public Safety and Defender of the Secrets of Castle Greyskull. And he's investigating Mrs. Kravitz's murder, which means that he's probably not going to end up being very good at his job. Susan and Julie sit down with El Copeland for a pow-wow about one Mike Delfino. Susan is thrilled to confirm that she and Mike were together on the 7th, which is the night of Mrs. Kravitz's death. See, conveniently, on that night, Mrs. Kravitz just so happened to have a dentist's appointment the next morning. Ergo, she was missed. Stupid Mr. MAVO, forgetting to check the datebook for a wider window. Susan proffers the juicy tidbit that Death Night was indeed a big relationship milestone for her and Mike because it was the first time they...and here she trails off, implying that they had sex, but after that episode ended in hot bedroom kissing, the show then made a big deal about how they apparently didn't have sex that night, which is why Susan wanted to plan the lighting and then pranced around in lingerie sprinkling roses on the bed and then lured him over to re-deflower her. Make up your mind, show! And here comes Julie, confirming it by saying she spotted men's boxers in the laundry basket the next day, because Mike...what, walked home bare-balling his jeans, all because he couldn't bear to wear dirty boxers all the way back across the street to put them in his own laundry? Come on. This makes me tired. Susan pretends to be aghast that Julie saw those, which is bunk, because she's so indiscreet as a general rule with Julie. Indeed, it is practically out of character for her not to have danced down the stairs the next morning with condom wrappers stuck in her hair. Copeland is like, "Are you sure?" And Susan's about to be all, "I know a penis when I feel one," when Julie pipes up with the twee detail that Susan was so happy the next day, she cooked heart-shaped pancakes. Poor Julie. In her position, I honestly don't know if I would ever, EVER have considered myself old enough to hear about my mother's sex life.