Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B+ | 1 USERS: A+

As they do every week, this episode of Desperate Housewives opens with Mary Alice sounding like she's reading a children's book to an especially stupid youngster. "Breeeeeee belieeeeeeved in old-faaaaaashioned vaaaalues," says MAVO, her vowels and words more strung-out than Paula Abdul. We see KimberBree trot down the stairs with a laundry basket in her hands, looking far happier than anyone with a pile of clothes to fold has any business being. "Things like respect for God," MAVO lists as we see a painting of Jesus on the wall. "Importance of family," MAVO adds as KimberBree passes by a Sears Portrait Studio special of Clan Van De Kamp, complete with a dark black background that seems to symbolize the amount of joy frequently found in this house. "And love of country," MAVO finishes, as we see the pièce de resistance: a loving framed picture of Ronald Reagan. Maybe she just loved Knute Rockne, All-American. ["I call bullshit on that particular prop. I can buy that someone not related to him might have a Reagan photo framed in her house, but not one that big!" -- Wing Chun] MAVO goes on to tell us, in her sing-song way, that KimberBree is so devoted to her own values system that it legitimately surprises her when she's confronted with people who don't share it. KimberBree must spend an awful lot of time in shock, staring slack-jawed at newspapers, magazines, and photos of France. But in the scene, her particular vexation comes when she uncovers an unopened condom in the laundry basket. Plucking it from her linens, she holds it up and stares grimly at her latex enemy.

Immediately, KimberBree assumes that the condom belongs to Rex's cheating wang. "You promised the cheating has stopped, Rex!" she says angrily. Rex, looking fatigued, swears it's not his condom. And why would it be? Rex kept his cheating a secret for ages. He's clearly good at it. Why would he carry a condom on him? Wouldn't he leave it in his car, or his briefcase, or at his girlfriend's house, or in his favorite whore's pink pleather thigh-highs? There are better places to hide a condom than in one's pants. Unless one is wearing the condom under one's pants, but that would be absurd. You can't impregnate pants. Rex begs KimberBree to stop yelling at him, because he's not feeling terribly well. And the bags under his eyes could carry a million condoms. I'm guessing these are side effects from whatever faux heart medication the psychotic pharmacist gave him. I like how the show handled that, having us slowly see it happening -- the way it would in real life, I assume, although I've never monkeyed with anyone's heart meds so I suppose I'm kind of ignorant. KimberBree petulantly orders Rex out of her house, and he tiredly points out that he's not the only guy in the house who uses that laundry basket. Marcia Cross somehow channels the act of clutching one's pearls into a single facial expression. It's great. And she is wearing pearls, both as a necklace and as buttons on her orange polo-style sweater. There's also something surreptitiously delicious about a semi-priggish character wearing jewelry whose name is synonymous with the act of a guy getting his rocks off on your neck.

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Desperate Housewives




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