Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B+ | 1 USERS: A+

...and comes across a sobbing Danielle, who is so paralyzed by sexual grief that she cannot walk herself a handful of houses down the street to her own safe haven. I would like to say I've been there, but, alas, it is a bit ridiculous. She would have been standing outside the party weeping for at least ten minutes, and unless she expects Miguel to realize the error of his ways, she really ought to just left-right-left her way down the road so that she can cry in private. Zack chases after Julie, who is walking Danielle home, and asks hopefully if she's coming back. "I don't think so," she says. Zack stuffs his hands in his pockets and, over the dulcet, distant tones of Andrew's elegant howling, power-walks in the other direction. Then he starts to run. Straight toward his next gym-class wedgie.

Lynette hops into bed next to a zoned Gay Matt. It seems she went to a PTA meeting; mercifully, we are spared the details. Gay Matt tries to be casual about his admission that his boss called him in and canceled the promotion. He's holding it for Tim Duggan after all. "Ohhh," Lynette says, looking guiltier than O.J. wearing a shirt that reads, "Of course I fucking did it, you assrags! SNAPS!" Gay Matt immediately says he's fine, which means he is not. Then he lies that he didn't want to work all those long hours, anyway, and gee, remember how he hates flying, and what it does to his back? "All that extra stress, and I would've ended up like Tim Duggan ten years from now," Gay Matt decides. Lynette continues to have the good sense not to look or act triumphant in any way. "Look, you're going to make VP one of these days," she tries to coo, which only has the unsupportive effect of making it sound like she didn't think he deserved it outright in the first place. "It's okay," Gay Matt says dully. "Honest. I am really glad it worked out this way." Then he actually gulps. And then smiles through the most gritted teeth I've seen since I gave my mother orange lipstick for Christmas when I was eight and she saw my proud smile and was like, "It's...just...perfect, honey!" I love my mother so much. Lynette stares off into the middle distance, presumably searching for an image of herself that doesn't make her want to slap her own selfish face.

Susan gets out of her car and is immediately accosted by Mike. She jumps. He asks how it went. "Just peachy," she spits. "And...humiliating, and shocking." Mike tries to calm her, but she hits him with her purse, which I love. "How could you?" she chokes. "God, you trust me?" Mike asks. Hey, Mike? You only get to pull that one so many times, pal. "Of course I do," Susan says, tears snaking out her eyes. "I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. And apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there." She loses her breath at the end of this rant and is barely keeping it together -- she's really only clinging to a shred of composure, and I so feel for her. "I came to Wisteria Lane..." Mike begins. But she interrupts him before he can say anything revealing, because that's how TV works. Damn this cruel, beautiful genre. "Stop, Mike, stop!" she yelps, pushing him away twice with both hands. "If you keep talking, you're going to work your way into my heart," she sniffles. "And I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever." Her voice breaks as she takes refuge inside her house, while Mike looks totally crushed.

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Desperate Housewives




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