Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B+ | 1 USERS: A+

There is a knock at Susan's door. Julie answers it to find Zack standing there, atwitter and aglow with the pubescent awkwardness in which he constantly marinates. Julie warns him that Susan will flip her lid if she sees Zack over there. He eagerly hands her a party invitation, and bless him, it's got balloons and script all over it, and is about as dorky as a high-school party invitation can get. It's practically saying, "Come to Beat-Me-Up Birthday 2005! Now With Medicated Tragic Hero!" ["That queer invitation broke my heart a little bit. Poor dumb Zack." -- Wing Chun] Julie bites her lip and reminds Zack that, in case it has escaped his rather single-minded attention, Susan thinks he is three delicious birthday cupcakes short of a full pan. "You've got to come," he pleads. "You're the reason I'm doing this." Julie promises she'll try to talk to her mother, but shoos him away, and sadly watches him leave. But I feel like it's more pity she's feeling than anything else.

Miguel's roommate Justin shows up at Casa Jollies and offers to be Gabrielle's gardener for free, since Miguel said they can't afford one any more. Gabrielle, naturally, is suspicious, and crosses her arms over the two biggest motivations for Justin's generous offer. "You want to mow my lawn for free?" she asks, eyes narrowed. "Water your flowers, trim your bushes..." Justin offers suggestively. "I could do everything Miguel did for you." Gabrielle is not impressed with this, and turns him down flat: "My husband is home a lot, and if any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it." Justin would prefer to keep flogging the lawn metaphor, and so suggests that such a pretty lawn might need a whole lot of pruning. Unfortunately, Gabrielle's retort is not "That's why I have a bikini waxer, kid." Nor does she politely ask when he expects to weed her garden if her husband is around; probably she is tired of being compared with shrubbery. She lets Justin down with another polite no and less-polite glare, and stomps back to her house, which upsets Justin enough that he chases her and grabs her arm a bit roughly. Gabrielle whirls, gasps, and then tries to scare him by telling him that Carlos is under house arrest and has a lot of latent anger he's eager to take out on someone. Justin lets her go.

Lynette putters around the kitchen looking typically harried, while letting Peter, Piper, and Picked run hog wild in the living room playing pseudo-hockey. It doesn't look dark -- isn't this what "outside" is for? Or, if they're under house arrest, maybe Lynette shouldn't give them access to any...oh, I don't know...items? Gay Matt schlumps inside and quietly suggests that his sons take it elsewhere. They ignore him, because they've watched Melrose Place and they know what woodwork looks like when they see it. Lynette asks how Gay Matt's day was, and learns that his big vice-presidential promotion ended up going to somebody else. "I don't get it," he says. "How does Tim Duggan, Big Blowhard, get the promotion over me?" He then sighs and admits that he's just being bitter. Lynette kisses him, presumably so that he knows what real bitter tastes like. Peck, Pickled, and Peppers are still at it in the living room, so Gay Matt ineffectually wonders if they could take the Stanley Cup outside. Hockey fans disagree, as this is the closest they will come to the Stanley Cup for another year, maybe two. The P Patrol ignores Gay Matt again, although I swear, those kids are one more "reprimand" away from mistaking their father for the banister and trying to slide down him. Lynette assumes that her husband is stupid and asks if he bothered to let his boss, Mr. Peterson, know that he wanted the promotion. In a twist, Gay Matt is stupid, because he figured that his eight-plus years of service would speak for themselves against Tim Duggan's two years and top-notch blowing skills. "I'm not going to beg," Gay Matt says. "I'm not saying beg," Lynette replies. "You just have to step up from time to time...Nobody respects a shrinking violet." Apt advice in some circumstances, but Lynette, the guy is depressed. He doesn't need you to tell him he's a giant pussy -- the whole room can smell the Whiskas. Gay Matt defensively tries to say that there are many ways to be a leader, and he prefers quiet efficiency, but Lynette interrupts: "TAKE THAT RACKET OUTSIDE," she yells at Punxsutawney, Phil, and Pgroundhog. This silences them, and they scurry outside on cue, leaving Gay Matt alone with the sound of his own purring.

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Desperate Housewives




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