Robbers come rolling into the Scavoria after hours and lock Tootie and Lynette inside the forty-three-degree walk-in for the night. Purely for medicinal reasons, Lynette and Tootie fall to the floor for a night-long cuddlethon (though no actual It-Doing is done). Worried, Tom comes looking for Lynette and sets them free before any actual Gilbert McCluskeying can occur. Later, when reviewing the security tapes with the police, Tom gets an eyeful of Tootie and Lynette's romantic pre-robbery meal. Tom confronts Tootie about his obvious interest in Lynette and asks him to resign. Instead, Tootie confronts Lynette about their obvious attraction for each other, and she tearfully gives him the boot, recognizing that their heretofore semi-harmless flirting can't go on now that things have come to a head. Tom is thrilled, but Lynette is sad to see Tootie go -- like, contorted-face-crying-in-the-bathtub sad.
Susan goes into the mountains looking for Mike, but she's so ill-prepared that the ranger office assigns her a guide, whom Susan immediately starts to bore with her Mike then Ian then Mike then Ian then Mike story. When the distraction-driven guide finally snaps and tells Susan everything we've all been wanting to yell at her for the last three years -- namely that she's a maddening drama machine -- Susan proves the guide 100% right by petulantly setting off on her own and getting profoundly, irritatingly, self-indulgently lost. Sadly, no bears come a-mauling; rather, Mike overhears the rangers talking about the "lost klutzy woman" and tracks down Susan himself, and kissing ensues.
The election results are in, and Maybe Mayor is now officially the Mayor of Fairview. Gabby celebrates by giving a parking meter cop the royal treatment, ripping up her ticket in his face and grossly flaunting her alleged untouchability as the new First Lady of Fairview. Gabby and the meter man scuffle (earning Gabby a bruised wrist and Meter Man a swift kick to the shin) and Gabby gets carted off in the paddy wagon. The Mayor bails her out, but he later gives her a truly unpleasant dressing-down, and she is coldly commanded to stop to the embarrassing behavior. And then he sends a couple thugs to beat up the meter cop. Is this a Mayored to the Mob type of situation? Or is he just Mayor McBusive? Either way, things look grim for the Gabster. Travers's stay with Edie is over now that his dad's back in country, and Carlos is suddenly less eager to get with Edie. Unwilling to simply accept Carlos's general lack of interest and move on, Edie instead threatens to sue Travers's dad for partial custody just so she can use her son as bait in her Carlos trap. Carlos, who's obviously a way better parent than Edie will ever be, is concerned about what all the shuttling back and forth between two parents will do to Travers, so he talks Edie into dropping the lawsuit by promising to continue dating her -- ah, sweet, sweet, manipulove!
Previously on Desperate Housewives: hey, it turns out there's this place on the internet where you can actually read all about everything that's happened on the show so far, blow by excruciating blow? I know!
And for tonight's episode, MAVO cheerfully introduces the intro-montage theme, and this week, it's all about the victims: the old ladies who get themselves mugged, the businessmen who get carjacked, and the elderly hardware shopkeepers who get stabbed in the stomach and left to bleed and bleed out right there on the floor; what the hell? For a quiet suburban town, there sure is a lot of psychotically violent crime going down -- the Fairview Board Of Tourism is going to be doing some serious damage control after tonight's episode. (Introducing the city's new tourism campaign: "Welcome to Fairview! Sure, there are lots of bodies here...hard bodies! And MILFs! It's a city full of tan, fantastically aerobicized MILFs! And not the stabbing, shooting, pushing-you-down-the-stairs kind of MILF, either. Only the sexy kind, we promise. Seriously, no dead bodies. So book those tickets to Fairview today! Please! Hello?") The mayhem montage finishes with a outside-looking-in shot of the Scavoria, where currently there are two menacing-type figures looming out front, and two dirty sinners romancing the stone right inside.
Lynette and Tootie are at the table, trying out the latest tasty Tootie creation, orecchiette (a.k.a. "little ears" pasta) with pancetta (a.k.a., "bacon"). Lynette is looking very pretty in a little dress and with her face all did up right. Also, her hair is down, which as we all know symbolizes Lynette's readiness to rut. Tootie pours her a deep, deep glass of wine, but he sticks to Diet Coke in a nice nod to his "in recovery" addiction status. Lynette sighs a happy sigh and gushes about how "nice" everything is: "The food," she says, her eyes bulging into cartoon hearts, "the wine...you." Oh boy, cringe ahoy. Lynette goes on and on about how these delectable dinners with Tootie at the end of the night are the only thing that keeps her going, like the proverbial carrot on a stick -- and by "carrot" I of course mean "phallus." From what I can see through my wince-squinted eyes, Tootie looks pleased by Lynette's tentative forays into extramarital territories, and he pongs back some sexy eyes in her direction. And I'm just about ready to take a bite out of the couch (to stifle the "run away, run away!" screams) when those two nefarious villains -- previously spotted casing the (pizza) joint -- let themselves in through the weirdly unlocked front door and start waving guns. And thank god for homicidal criminals, because things were about to get really ugly in there.