Desperate Housewives
Into The Woods

Episode Report Card
Evany: B- | Grade It Now!
Bleed The Meter
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on Desperate Housewives: hey, it turns out there's this place on the internet where you can actually read all about everything that's happened on the show so far, blow by excruciating blow? I know!

And for tonight's episode, MAVO cheerfully introduces the intro-montage theme, and this week, it's all about the victims: the old ladies who get themselves mugged, the businessmen who get carjacked, and the elderly hardware shopkeepers who get stabbed in the stomach and left to bleed and bleed out right there on the floor; what the hell? For a quiet suburban town, there sure is a lot of psychotically violent crime going down -- the Fairview Board Of Tourism is going to be doing some serious damage control after tonight's episode. (Introducing the city's new tourism campaign: "Welcome to Fairview! Sure, there are lots of bodies here...hard bodies! And MILFs! It's a city full of tan, fantastically aerobicized MILFs! And not the stabbing, shooting, pushing-you-down-the-stairs kind of MILF, either. Only the sexy kind, we promise. Seriously, no dead bodies. So book those tickets to Fairview today! Please! Hello?") The mayhem montage finishes with a outside-looking-in shot of the Scavoria, where currently there are two menacing-type figures looming out front, and two dirty sinners romancing the stone right inside.

Lynette and Tootie are at the table, trying out the latest tasty Tootie creation, orecchiette (a.k.a. "little ears" pasta) with pancetta (a.k.a., "bacon"). Lynette is looking very pretty in a little dress and with her face all did up right. Also, her hair is down, which as we all know symbolizes Lynette's readiness to rut. Tootie pours her a deep, deep glass of wine, but he sticks to Diet Coke in a nice nod to his "in recovery" addiction status. Lynette sighs a happy sigh and gushes about how "nice" everything is: "The food," she says, her eyes bulging into cartoon hearts, "the" Oh boy, cringe ahoy. Lynette goes on and on about how these delectable dinners with Tootie at the end of the night are the only thing that keeps her going, like the proverbial carrot on a stick -- and by "carrot" I of course mean "phallus." From what I can see through my wince-squinted eyes, Tootie looks pleased by Lynette's tentative forays into extramarital territories, and he pongs back some sexy eyes in her direction. And I'm just about ready to take a bite out of the couch (to stifle the "run away, run away!" screams) when those two nefarious villains -- previously spotted casing the (pizza) joint -- let themselves in through the weirdly unlocked front door and start waving guns. And thank god for homicidal criminals, because things were about to get really ugly in there.

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Desperate Housewives




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