The Orson and Bree wedding is on. Led by Susan, the Ladies try to convince the bride to say "I don't" to the potential murderer, but Bree goes ahead and marries him anyway. In other "bad idea" news: Ian and Susan go ahead with that dinner date, but things get derailed when the parents of Ian's comatose wife show up and he panic-introduces Susan as one of his wife's doctors. Susan is forced to spend dinner pretending that she's a brain surgeon; hilarity ensues. Later, Susan ends it with Ian because they're clearly both feeling too guilty to date. But Ian crashes Bree's wedding and magically manages to convince Susan (by way of a bizarre yet tender toast to the happy couple, whom he's never met before) that they should try again. Snora has an unsavory new beau, which means she has less time to camp out at the Scavos, and that makes Lynette very, very happy. But then Snora and her tattooed gentleman have a falling-out, and Lynette goes into matchmaking overdrive, trying to get Snora paired off with someone else, stat. When Lynette sics Snora on Carlos, though, Gabby is not amused. Edie's "good-looking" nephew rolls into town, and he is blond and tan and likes to work on his motorcycle out on Wisteria Lane, shirtless and shining with baby oil, while listening to misogynist yell-music. Julie, who is trying to study, asks him to turn it down a notch, and they exchange the kind of "I hate you" banter that means they'll be frenching two episodes from now. The cops discover the woman's mud-preserved body down at Orson's club, but they can't ID her because someone has removed all her teeth. Someone like a dentist, maybe? The police interrupt the wedding reception to ask Orson to come see if he can identify the body as his missing first wife, Alma. Bree, still in her wedding dress, accompanies Orson to the morgue, where Orson reports that the dead woman isn't Alma, which Jackie from Roseanne confirms reluctantly. And yet...as everyone files out of the morgue, Orson leans back in and gives the body a mournful look and whispers, "Tu me manques, Monique!" (Translation, depending on the depth of your understanding of French: "I miss you, Monique," or "You will miss me, Monique," or "I warned you to floss, Monique.") Sounds pretty suspicious to me!
Previously: oh, just everything that happened in last week's season premiere episode. If you missed it, you'll just have to read up.
And right in with the MAVO: "Brides are sensitive creatures, and no one knows this better than the bridesmaids who have to deal with them." We get a quick shot of each of the Ladies being diplomatic with Bree: Susan, while fitting Bree's dress, comments that a "ten-foot train is nice," but that a shorter one would perhaps trip fewer people; Lynette advises Bree away from a menu of "smoked rabbit" in favor of the slightly less exotic chicken (and as someone who has been to many weddings in my day -- twenty and counting -- I can vouch for the fact that chicken is a wildly popular nuptial menu item. People love the chicken. Stuffed chicken, chicken rolled in prosciutto, chicken smothered in a thick chickeny sauce. Chicken, chicken, chicken!); and Gabby agrees that while a string quartet may be lovely, if Bree got a live band, "maybe people could dance, as opposed to...sway."
And then there's the inevitable bridesmaid dress scene. Bree has decked out bridesmaids Lynette, Gabby, and Susan (no Danielle?) in fluffy layered grass-green halter dresses with purple ribbon, and a nosegay of faux purple flowers at each dress's waist. They're not the worst bridesmaid dresses I've ever seen, but they're not doing the Ladies any favors. Though holy wow do these three women have well-toned arms and shockingly scooped-out clavicles! Bree tells them how stoked she is to have found the dresses, since she's only had two weeks to put the whole ceremony together. Really? A perfectionist like Bree gives herself just two weeks to plan a hugely important and public event like her wedding? Why oh why the rush? Is this maybe Bree's way of compensating for guilt she feels over suspecting, deep down, that Orson is a murderer? Oh, Bree. The Ladies are right with me with the "Why the rush?" sentiment, and gently remind Bree that she doesn't need to race into anything. Bree brushes aside their warnings, sure that, with the Ladies' help, she'll be able to pull the wedding together in time. Gabby and Lynette pull off their shoes, which look painful, and I spy a flash of red leather on the soles. Oh my god, are those Christian Louboutins? As in shoes with a price tag of like $700? No wonder the Ladies are grumpy.
Bree hands out the assignments: Lynette's going to work on the seating arrangements, Gabby will be doing the flowers, and Susan? Bree will figure out something for Susan to do sometime soon. Bree races upstairs to get Lynette the seating chart, and the second she leaves, Susan cracks, "Here's a job: how about talking you out of marrying a homicidal dentist?" Gabby and Lynette hiss that there's no real proof that that's true, plus if they say anything, Bree is going to hate them 4ever and ever!!! Susan: "I'm sorry, I cannot sit here on my key lime ass and let Bree make the worst mistake of her life." Ha, key lime ass!