Tom -- who's emceeing tonight -- gets on the mic and calls Bree and Orson up to the dance floor. They silently start to dance. Bree asks him if he's still upset about what she said. Orson: "Which part, darling? The 'I do' part, or the 'Did you kill your wife?' part?" Bree apologizes, but points out that she simply "had to ask." Orson: "That's my point: you had to ask." He goes to dip her, and she stiffly resists it, her body only tilting back maybe twenty degrees.
Later, everyone's dancing, especially Carlos and Snora. Tom and Lynette are off to the side, sipping champagne and watching as Carlos spins Snora wildly around the dance floor. Tom: "You are going to rot in hell for this." Lynette, watching as Snora grinds her ass into Carlos's crotch: "He cheated on my friend. He deserves every bit of crayyyzeee she's going to rain down on him." And yet, didn't Gabby cheat on Carlos first? Oh well, revenge is indeed a selective sport.
Later still, Carlos and Snora are slow-dancing, and also frenching, and Snora's dress is actually partly unzipped. Tom and Lynette are still glued to the show, like Statler and Waldorf on The Muppet Show. Lynette, shocked, asks, "What are they doing?" Tom: "Rounding second and heading for third." Suddenly, Gabby appears on the scene, and Lynette makes a Scooby Doo "uh oh" sound. Gabby dives onto the dance floor, and Carlos and Snora break apart; there's lipstick smeared all around the famous Carlos goatee. Snora starts to get all up in Gabby's face. Tom commentates that "this is not going to end well." Lynette: "They're just two random people who met at a wedding...can't pin it on me!" So of course, at that very moment, Snora turns and points at Lynette: "It was HER." Lynette chokes on her champagne and does an about-face. Gabby turns back to yell at Carlos. They bicker, he tries to take back the pearl necklace, the necklace breaks, and as the two of them are crawling around on the floor, trying to pick up the pearls, Xiao Mei waddles in, wearing her nightgown, and splashes her amniotic fluid all over the dance floor. Baby time! Cue those commercials.
Whew, what an epic, awesome scene that was, with everyone's storyline building and interweaving like that? Yay! "Bluejean" Bowie finger snaps for everyone!
Aaand it's time for the toasts. Aunt Fern is just finishing up: "...And I wish you both a lifetime of happiness!" Tom thanks her for her lovely toast, and then announces, "Hey, they mopped up all the amniotic fluid, so we should feel safe to start the conga line!" Ha ha! But before the dancing starts, Ian decides to make a toast, which he directs at Bree and Orson (who have no idea who he is), but which is really meant for Susan's ears. It's all about how brave Bree and Orson are -- how "so often, people find excuses not to fall in love again. They're afraid. But it's rare to find somebody you connect with, so when you do, you have to follow your heart!" So then Susan gets up and gives her toast, and it's, of course, a disaster. She cites how important "caution" is when it comes to a second marriage, because (and here she turns to Ian) "while love can be spontaneous and wonderful, it can also be selfish, and sometimes the best thing you can do is just to walk away." Which...I know, Zany Susan! But considering what Susan just put Bree through, convincing her to confront Orson right before saying "I do," you'd think Susan would be a little more sensitive than to let her issues with Stalker Ian allow her to say something like "The best thing you can do is walk away" in her toast to the "happy" couple. Ugh. So anyway, Susan sits down, and then Ian gets back up there and gives another toast: "What do you do when you find someone who makes you feel joy when you thought you never would again? Do you just let them [sic] go? No. I can't do that." The "awww" violins swell, and clearly, these few simple, passionate words from Ian have utterly changed Sappy Susan's mind, because she's just sitting there looking goofy and possibly concussed. Sucker. And yet...maybe Married Ian's actually perfect for Susan, seeing as awkward toasts run in her family.