Desperate Housewives
It Takes Two

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It Takes Two

With predictable bad timing, Bree returns just in time to catch Susan's snark, and coughs the not-really-all-that-polite cough of an eavesdropper. Lynette and Gabby hold their breath while Susan hems and haws out an explanation of just what this "mistake" is that Bree is supposedly making: "Honestly?" She seems juuuuuusssst about ready to tackle the Orson issue, but then, no: "These dresses are hideous." The Ladies all sigh in relief. MAVO, coyly: "Yes, a bridesmaid can question many of the bride's choices, but the groom isn't one of them." And cut loose with the (same old) CREDITS SEQUENCE!

MAVO narrates a singsong about "perfect couples" as two deliverymen carefully carry a four-story wedding cake into the Solis house. So I guess Bree's ceremony is going to be at Gabby's place? The camera pans to follow the cake then settles on a wedding photo of Gabby and Carlos. Cut to...

...a big office conference room. Gabby and Carlos are sitting down with a divorce mediator, trying to divide their assets. Things are not going well. Gabby wants the Saint Augustine portrait, she wants the stereo, she wants her pearl necklace back. Carlos, flabbergasted, reminds her that the necklace was his mother's, and her mother's before that; why it's a family heirloom! Gabby: "There was a time when you thought I belonged in your family. And you got over that!" Clearly, Gabby's just being selfish: she doesn't even wear pearls; that's Bree's department. Carlos rolls his eyes; then he makes a furtive grab for a big box of french fries that are sitting in front of Gabby. I find it hard to believe that someone of Gabby's minute size and sculpted clavicles maintains her figure on a diet of extra large fries, but okay, perhaps Gabby is blessed with one of those "fast metabolisms" Hollywood ladies keep talking about. ["One word: tapeworm." -- Wing Chun] Or, more likely, Gabby brought food to the meeting that she knew Carlos would want, just to torture him. Gabby slaps Carlos's hand and henpecks him about his cholesterol. Gabby, to the mediator: "This man bleeds bacon grease." The mediator -- fed up after what's clearly been hours of peck-peck-pecking -- yells, "ENOUGH!" and then chastises them both that they had better learn how to get along, because they've got a child on the way: "And divorced or not, [they're] going to be bound together for as long as [they] live." Gabby looks at Carlos, and then pointedly offers him her box of deadly fries. Ha!

Lynette and Snora are out on the Scavo porch, Lynette cheerfully encouraging Snora to go have a "great time" with "Turk." Snora: "Trust me. We will. The man is a jackhammer." Eeeeee! Snora, by the way, has her hair up in two Catholic schoolgirl pigtails, and she's wearing a super-short denim mini, high-heeled sandals, '80s leggings, and a fantastically plunging halter top which is struggling to contain her enormous, enormous breasts. Tom walks up carrying bags of groceries just as Snora skips off into the tattooed arms of Turk, who is standing in front of his van. Tom and Lynette stand there, watching Turk and Snora grope each other, and Tom "Scavo-whispers" ("to speak in tones that anyone within thirty feet would be hard-pressed to miss") how not thrilled he is about this man hanging out with his daughter. Eeeee! Sorry, I still can't quite get the "jackhammer" visual out of my mouth...mind! Out of my MIND! Lynette, however, is overjoyed by Snora's date: "Ever since he entered the picture, Squeaky Fromme is never around. It has been bliss." Ha, nice Manson Family reference! Though what kind of person does that make me, stringing "nice" and "Manson Family" together like that? How about "hyperbolic yet appropriate Mason Family reference" instead? (Incidentally, Squeaky Fromme's real name is "Lynette." Coincidence?) Tom points out that there appears to be a "child's skull" dangling from Tatturk's rearview, and he pointedly asks Lynette if that doesn't "concern" her. Lynette, after only a second's hesitation: "No, I'm good." And then she suggests that the skull is perhaps just that of a "monkey." Ha! You know, this episode is already so much sharper than the premiere. And a teensy little flower of optimism blossoms on the anemic, struggling seedling I call "Evany's hopes for Season 3." Eeee!

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Desperate Housewives

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