Desperate Housewives
It Takes Two

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It Takes Two

Ian and Susan, it seems, are going through with that fancy dinner date. Susan orders the "mesclun salad," and Ian is appalled. As well he should be: the new layer of meat on Susan's/Teri's bones looks great, and we all really need to work together to keep it there. Susan whispers that everything on the menu just looks so "expensive," and Ian insists that she order whatever she wants. So she dives right on in and orders the "lobster bisque and the veal with the black truffles." She meekly asks Ian if that's okay, and he jokes that it's totally fine; he'll simply finance her order by having "Jane moved to the VA hospital." Ha! And yet...how horrible is Ian? Joking about his near-dead wife, the woman to whom he is still MARRIED? Susan, not getting the joke, gasps out an "oh my god!" Married Ian assures Susan that he was just kidding, just, just kidding. Kidding about his hilarious be-coma-ed wife. They laugh, they flirt, they touch hands. And then, whoops! Look who's here! Why, it's Jane's parents! The couple, looking wildly Midwestern, come running over, and Married Ian panic-introduces Susan as Jane's new neurologist. Whom...Married Ian is...taking out for a romantic dinner? I don't get it -- how is this lie any worse than the truth? Jane's mom: "Oh, I just assumed you worked in Ian's publishing house!" Susan, all uncomfortable and shooting eye-daggers at Married Ian: "Yes...how nice that would have been." Ha! Jane's dad immediately launches in with a series of technical Qs about Jane's condition, all "EEG spikes" and "Glasgow scale." Susan claps her hand together and smiles hugely, trying to buy time. Cut to...

...Susan sketching a cross-section of a human head on a cocktail napkin. The drawing looks pretty good -- after all, Susan is a children's book illustrator (hurrah continuity!) -- but upon closer, paused inspection, things aren't looking all that accurate in the brain department. (My boyfriend, Marco: "What is that she's drawing there? A stained-glass fish...thing?" Evany: "I think it's supposed to be a brain...but I'm just saying that because of that big arrow she's drawn there -- the one that says 'BRAIN'.") Susan says something doctor-y about "the, uh, spinal chord," and then she takes a huge swig of wine. The camera pulls back: Jane's parents are now sitting down at the table with Married Ian and Susan. Jane's dad tells Susan that she actually doesn't have to "dumb it down" on their account, seeing as he and his wife have been "dealing with Jane's condition for years." Susan feigns delight over this news. Ha again! Ian steps in, finally, and pleads with them to give "Dr. Mayer" the night off; she's exhausted after a full day of surgery. The parents' interest is piqued even further: how did today's surgery go? They are all ears. Susan does some more fumbling, and then she leans her ear down to her purse and pretends she hears her phone vibrating. She pulls out her phone and launches into a ridiculous one-sided conversation about how one of her patients, whose "brain shut off," and then she tells this fictional caller that she's on her way, tossing in a "stat" for good measure. Susan, to the table of awkwardness: "I'm sorry, duty calls!" She bolts from table, and as she's weaving through the restaurant, and with the Jane family's eyes fully on her, she grabs a wine glass off a waiter's tray and chugs that down, too. While ostensibly on her way to the hospital. Ha, ha!

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Desperate Housewives

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