Desperate Housewives
It Takes Two

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It Takes Two

Lynette is at home, her hair wound up into a ridiculous halo of curlers. She's working on Bree's seating chart, desperately trying to put Snora next to some eligible bachelors. Tom comes in and starts to protest: Lynette's putting all of his friends directly in Snora's line of fire! They're never going to forgive him! Lynette: "Oh, there are other urologists in the world. Go back to that other guy." Tom: "The one with the cold hands?" Lynette: "Oh, it's once a year, suck it up." First of all, Tom is friends with his urologist? Second of all, Tom's urologist is going to Bree's wedding? (I'm beginning to see how Bree got so many guests lined up on such short notice.) And finally, just what is Tom supposed to "suck up" at his next visit to the urologist? You know what? Scratch that, I don't really want to know. Tom does some more pissing and moaning (no wait...that's also a bad choice of words. How about just "complaining"), and Lynette snaps. Tom brought the dreaded Snora into their lives, and now the only thing he is permitted to say to matchmaker Lynette is "How can I help?"

Susan, also wearing an insane mound of curlers on her head, comes outside to get her mail and spies Orson across the street; he's trying to tie some cans to the back of Bree's car, only the ropes are all tangled up and he's clearly frustrated. So he whips out a switchblade and starts sawing through the rope rather lustily. The he notices Susan staring at him, and holds his knife hand up in a salute. Cut to...

...Susan, still in curlers. She's down at the bank, and Jackie from Roseanne is there, working as a teller. (If you're wondering how Susan found her, she got her work address from one of Jackie's neighbors.) Susan asks her if maybe she could elaborate on her "Orson=wife-killer" accusations, but unfortunately, Jackie can't really talk, because she's at work. But Susan can't wait: Bree is getting married in just "two hours"! Oh, so that's why all the curlers. To buy some chatting time, Susan loudly requests "ten dollars in unrolled pennies," adding, "And I need to see you count it, because last time you stiffed me!" While scooting pennies around, Jackie very dramatically spins a morbid tale based on this one fact: when the police came looking for Alma, they discovered that Orson had cleaned the house top to bottom with bleach. So there were "no fingerprints, no skin cells, no DNA...it was as though Alma had never existed." Jackie, leaning in for the fatal blow: "Who cleans like that unless he has something to hide?" ["Except bleach can't clean up bloodstains to the point where a professional investigator couldn't detect them. Watch a C.S.I. rerun sometime, writers, it's only on seventeen times a day." -- Wing Chun]

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Desperate Housewives

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