Karl dumps Edie using the time-honored "leave a note on the pillow and sneak out while she's sleeping" method. But wouldn't you know it: Edie wakes up, and Karl is forced to make an undignified run for it. But again, wouldn't you know it: his brand-new Mustang just won't start. While he's desperately trying and trying to get the engine to catch, Edie runs outside and comes after him with a rake. At the last possible second, the 'stang starts, and Karl peels right on out of there...and directly into an oncoming garbage truck, wah-wah. Edie spends the rest of the episode weeping, drinking, and trying to discover the identity of Karl's other woman. Feeling guilty (what with actually being Karl's other woman), Susan brings Edie a stack of self-help books, and somehow gets shanghaied into being Edie's designated driver/wingman for the night. The two of them head down to the local Hooters-style restaurant, so Edie can antagonize a waitress whom she suspects is Karl's new woman. Both Susan and Edie end up rolling around in a pile of spicy chicken wings in a gigantic girl-on-girl-on-girl-on-girl bar brawl. Wah-wah-wah. Gabby and Carlos are busy being happy new parents, when teenaged bio-dad Dale finally returns from spring break, and reveals that he wants the baby (or, more specifically, Dale's brother Frank wants the baby so he can use it to get stripper Libby back). Gabby goes down to Dale's Catholic high school and, right in the middle of a pep rally, threatens to spill the beans about his baby-making dallying, which would effectively get him booted from the football team. Dale caves and signs the parental rights waiver. But! Frank and Libby get back together anyway, and Libby shows up at the Solises' house and demands the baby back so she and Frank can give the whole family thing a whirl. As stripper Libby drives off with baby Lily, Gabby has a crying, screaming meltdown right in the middle of Wisteria Lane. Lynette's boss Ed is having marital trouble, and somehow Lynette gets enlisted as his cyber-Cyrano; she exchanges dirty instant messages with Ed's wife on his behalf. Ed's wife figures out what happened and demands that Ed fire the person who sexy-IMed her. Since Ed relies on Lynette too much to let her go, he tells his wife that Tom did it, and now Tom is totally going to get the ax, maybe! Bree is hot for Hempy Peter, but Hempy Peter's hard-nosed sponsor from Sex Addicts Anonymous identifies Bree as the temptation she so very much is, and he demands that Peter stop seeing her. Bree pays the sponsor a visit down at his job at the donut shop, but the sponsor won't budge -- in fact, he seems to delight in his power over Peter. When another one of the sponsor's wards, an addict from Narcotics Anonymous, stops by and guiltily hands over a pile of drugs to the sponsor, evil Bree swings into action: she reports the sponsor's stash to two cops, who conveniently wander into the shop at just that moment. And with the sponsor's sponsor-status revoked, and, oops, his entire life ruined, Bree gets to take over as Peter's new SA sponsor! Is there a Worst Idea Ever Anonymous group in Fairview? If so, they need to start brewing some coffee, stat. Betty lines up some buyers for the house, and the Applewrong's move seems eminent. But Danielle won't have it! She loves Matthew! And she's never going to let him go! Matthew tells slow Caleb that Danielle secretly wants him to kiss her, and then he sends his brother over to the Van De Kamp house to go make it happen. When Bree hears Danielle screaming in her room, she grabs a gun and runs in there to find confused Caleb towering over crying, robe-torn Danielle. Bree confronts Betty about what happened, and Betty seems convinced that Caleb finally needs to be sent to a home. Matthew goes over to comfort Danielle, and as soon as they're alone, she smiles and asks him whether their plan worked. What? It's true: she was totally in on it. But it turns out Betty has other plans for Caleb, and they involve a big bottle of poison and an even bigger ham. Will Matthew's rusty conscience stand idly by while his brother gets put to sleep, just so Matthew can stay in town with skanky Danielle? Will Bree and Hempy find their higher power, together, in bed? Will Tom file for unemployment? Tune in next week and find out!
This week's MAVO flashback fun features Karl and his many breakups. Apparently his favorite parting MO is to sneak out of a woman's house early in the morning, leaving nothing but a note in his wake. This morning, Karl is kneeling at Edie's bedside, praying to the god of goodbyes that this one will go off without a hitch. MAVO: "Karl Mayer didn't pray often, but when he did, it was usually to ask for God's help in breaking up with a woman, and to spare him the nasty drama that usually accompanied such callous and [patented MAVO bemused pause] unexpected departures. Over the years, Karl had dumped dozens of women, and not one of them had ever seen it coming." We flash back on a series of sleeping beautiful women from all walks of life -- the sophisticated woman in the satin negligee, the girly woman with the stuffed animals, the rugged woman with the bicycle suspended from her wall -- each of them rolling over to find one of Karl's notes. MAVO tells us how he always planned each parting "meticulously," which has allowed him to accumulate an amazing record of clean getaways from women who "did not want to see him go."
Back in the now, Karl is quietly and sneakily assembling all his bags. MAVO: "So when he decided to break up with Edie Britt, Karl prayed to God yet again to help him avoid all the [bemused pause] unnecessary drama. Unfortunately for Karl [Edie's alarm goes off, at the somewhat unusual time of "6:10"], God was in the mood to be entertained." Edie rolls over and her fingers brush Karl's note. She opens her eyes and sees Karl standing there with all his luggage. Karl does a cartoon-y raised-eyebrow "whoopsies!" smile; then he makes a comic, Snagglepussy exit -- stage left, even. And the plucky DH music soars.
Outside, Karl frantically throws all his stuff into his open convertible, steps over the door, and then tries to start the car. But the engine, she won't start! I guess spanking-new Mustangs aren't that reliable? I guess I'll just go ahead and cancel that order. ("You couldn't have give him a Yaris?" a Ford executive sighs dejectedly at his flat-screen somewhere in Detroit.) Karl tries and tries, and even gives the obligatory "c'mon, c'mon"s, but the car still won't oblige. And then out runs Edie, looking pretty good for 6 AM in her matching lavender cotton lace cami and drawstring jammie pants. Edie is questioning the contents of the note, specifically the "let's be honest with ourselves" and "we haven't been happy in a long time" parts. (It's like Microsoft added a "Dump" tool to Word: "It appears you are writing a breakup note. Have you considered adding an 'I hope we can be friends someday,' as a PS?") Edie: "Who are you to tell me I haven't been happy, you miserable son of a bitch? I have been ECSTATIC!" Whee! Karl uncomfortably confesses that he is the one who hasn't been happy, and Edie very reasonably asks why, then, did he ask her to marry him? Karl stares off into space and reveals that he actually has no idea. Edie shouts that she's gloated to every woman in the neighborhood about her pending nups, et cetera, and Karl tries to embrace her, but deflects his huggers with a double wax off and asks if there's "someone else." Karl doesn't say yes, but he doesn't say no, either, and Edie gets the message loud and clear. She drops an OMG; then she starts looking around for something to club him with. She spies a rake leaning against her house, and makes a beeline for it. Karl: "Oh crap." He leaps back into his car and desperately cranks his starter again and again. (Ford CEO: "Here we go with another round of layoffs.") But then, just as Edie's winding up for her swing, the engine catches! Crazy, isn't it, how things like that work out? Karl gives a huge "phew," and then smiles winningly at Edie and hits the gas. And it looks like it's totally back...to the FUTURE for Karl, except for the huge garbage truck that smashes right on into him, crumpling in the whole front end of his shiny new 'Stang. Edie looks at his steaming hood in shock, and Karl just sits there, looking betrayed. MAVO: "Karl couldn't help but [sic] wonder why God had forsaken him. It never occurred to him that God [pause for ultimate hilarity] might be a woman." Crazy!